As I lie in my bed, daydreaming about a million different things at once I suddenly realise the best way to try and get these out, and to make some sense of what i’m thinking, is to put them on here. I apologise now if there is a whole pile of waffle or anything that seems utterly ridiculous but this is the mess that is my mind right now!
About a month ago I was working away from home for a while and started looking back at one of my online accounts to see if any of my friends had messaged me. I would always check every now and then to see if there was anything, but because i was away for a week, I started to log in every night and got myself into regular conversations with new people. This always seems to happen with me when I talk on sites and i’ll never understand why! I make very strong connections with people, very quickly, and 9 times out of 10 find myself in bother! Obviously, nothing is different on this occasion! What always starts as an innocuous conversation with someone not looking for anything (which i am very clear about me not wanting anything) either, seems to lead to this huge chemistry. Chemistry is a very dangerous thing! There will always be people that come into your life, in any capacity, who create a spark when they’re combined with you. This happens for a million different reasons and never is expected when it does happen. The main problem I have with this is that it always seems to lead me down paths that end in this gigantor fork in the road that is my life! Forks in the road require you to make life altering decisions and ,no matter how prepared you are for the event, they always blind side you in some way or other! This leads me to the story of my very own banana.
I probably should start by saying that I’m the type of person who loves a challenge. Whether that challenge is a damaged person who really needs some TLC, someone who’s hiding behind a wall of arrogance or someone who is just ignorant, then I’ll take that challenge! Mr B falls into the every day arrogance category. The initial message required a light level of lubrication to as he said “pluck up the courage” to message me. That, in itself, is proof that underneath a cold, stony, arrogant exterior lies a vulnerable little boy who is scared of being hurt. To me, that’s the epitome of a challenge! I’m a blunt, honest (to a fault!), open and expressive person who just seems to be able to understand others. I have never studied psychology or even done any research on the subject, just being around people and watching their reactions to everything has seemed to make it completely clear what their subtext is. I can somehow look through the crap and pick out the real pieces of information where other people are quick to take everything entirely personally. So, this message was really sweet and complimentary and actually slightly shy almost, when first contact was made. This was hugely alluring to me. Add to this the fact that i thought he was utterly gorgeous and entirely out of my league just made him an amazing person to talk to. We had banter almost immediately and I started picking up on him starting to test me by seeing if he could shock me. As a person I’m pretty unshockable, so for this person to be throwing really pretty graphic stories my way just left me with a million questions rather than any kind of judgements. He responded to these questions amazingly well and seemed to enjoy them.
Anyway, let’s fast forward a few weeks and we seem to have found ourselves in an entirely unexpected place. He’s a person who needs to work away a LOT and has a demanding job, which requires a lot of hard faced decisions. A hugely stressful environment which places him as the bad guy as his main job role! I, on the other hand, am just a maternal, loving, caring, supposedly bubbly yet confident in my abilities person. I’m not hugely confident in a lot of ways but I know what I’m good at and can give as good as i get. Picture little bunny rabbits lolloping over fields and you’ve kinda got my impression of life in general, no matter how many horrible things it throws my way! Putting these two very different worlds together and it brings out parts of each other that I certainly never knew existed! This cold, solid-walled person has shown me a side of his personality filled with complete love, complete warmth and a vulnerability that even he denies to himself exists. It’s intoxicating! In fact, everything about this wonderful man seems to be intoxicating!
This week has been filled with discomfort about the entire situation. When I say week I specifically mean 7 days and not the equivalent of a school week, just in case you’re confused! We’ll skip back to Friday where his badgering to speak to me on the phone finally worked and we had our first actual telephone conversation. I have an issue with speaking on the phone but that story’s for another time! From the very first word, I was smiling like an idiot, and I could hear in his voice that he was the same. This “cold” man was the complete opposite of everything he would outwardly describe himself to be. I was transported back to feeling like a teenager again, talking to a boy for the first time and loving every second. It was during that time that the dynamics changed! There had been a couple of moments in the weeks before that I had challenged his emotions and he’d initially responded defensively by almost shutting down completely and avoiding it as best he could. One real life conversation and the floodgates were opened!
Opening up, when you’re a damaged soul, takes a long time. A very gradual process. Something I went through myself after an horrific first marriage. So to witness someone opening up to me just seems such a gift! There have been jokes made about me leaving my husband, us getting married, having babies and living happily ever after. A huge part of me feels like there’s a lot of truth in those jokes and a reality that is all too appealing but am happy to continue believing that they are jokes, no matter how life changing the content.
So, just as I get ridiculously attached to this boy, he has to leave the country on business. Of course he does, because that’s just how sod’s law works! Proclamations of love have been made and all of a sudden I’m in withdrawal, cold turkey. It turned me into almost some kind of bunny boiling psychopath at the beginning! Obviously, not really, but by my standards I felt like a part in fatal attraction was fairly accurate! Realistically it’s completely predictable that being able to talk to Mr B while he’s in a time zone 5 hours behind would always be completely impractical. I mean in reality, while he’s in the same time zone, he doesn’t manage to get online until super late so add 5 hours onto that and you’re in a completely different ball park altogether! I miss him a ridiculous amount and leave a couple of messages a day telling him so in case he’s able to read them. Just leaving these messages and watching them mount up makes me feel like I look clingy, desperate and badly needy! All things I’ve spent my adult life trying never to be!
After speaking to one of my best friends over the weekend, it has been noted that a part of me which existed years ago has been reawakened in me and my “sparkle” is supposedly back. This friend of mine has known me for almost all of her life and would never judge my actions. Leaving the morality at the door, she is in full agreement that I have no option but to spend some real time with this boy and bridges will just have to be crossed when they’re arrived at. Wherever those bridges may lead. Until this current business trip concludes, I’m in limbo and feeling ridiculous!