Sometimes I wonder what’s happened to me. I’ve spent so much time learning who I am, exploring my weaknesses, trying to build on my strengths and attempting to be the best possible person I can be. Every time I think I know anything for sure, something comes along to make me question everything I think. The fundamental question has to be at the moment………..does fate actually exist?
In the toughest times of my life, on the brink of destitution, what I would always refer to as “the money fairy” would come along and make things right. Given, it would never be handed to me on a platter, It would come in the form of another additional job, or my current roles giving me the chance of more work which would obviously equal extra pay. It was hard work but my Head always, somehow, remained above water. In the same vain, when I thought I had met my “one”, my one remaining ‘what if….?’ person landed in my lap again. These things would always happen at particularly poignant moments in my life which always left me with the conclusion that coincidence can only go so far, these must be fate! There have been 5 very obvious moments like this in my adult life to date, all of which were left to play out as they went, and rarely left me with a feeling that the wrong ending had occurred. This oh so familiar scenario is back to play round 6.
Just like the moment I truly saw my life for what it was with my first husband, I’ve had a similar reawakening recently but in a very different way. A few years ago, not long after I was married for the second time, I had a few life changing occurrences in a very short space of time. You can call them bad luck, character building experiences or just plain unfortunate but however you name them they were life changing. Whenever my life changes I somehow become a little bit lost and if it happens to be in a bad way then I instinctively become the great invisible force. There’s a level of safety in making sure that no attention is ever brought on yourself when you think you may be a little vulnerable. If nobody can see you then nobody can hurt you and if I don’t understand who I am then I’m vulnerable. Unfortunately, you never realise you’re doing it until something happens to bring the real you back.
Do all things happen for a reason or is everything just a complete set of random chances? I am very aware that almost all of our own life choices are at least half chance. Nobody can ever have complete control over their lives and it would be naive to believe otherwise. Maybe I’m just scared of making any big decisions for myself and just let what happens, happen. Either that or I just lack the guts to take responsibility for my actions, should I make any choices, or make any controversial decisions at all.
Everything in my life has been lining up, one after the other, for what was feeling like going to be a huge change. I had no idea at all what it was likely to be but that feeling of everything changing started storming a couple of months ago. Only now am I starting to realise that maybe my life decision was going to have to be bigger than I could ever have imagined. I only hope that circumstances line up on their own without me having to make horrible choices, however somehow, I don’t think that’s too likely!
For the first time in my life I feel like I’m in a situation where I could end up just dropping everything and running. My sensible side has always managed to dominate over my instincts but this time fight or flight is so strong that running away just seems like the best thing in the world. The thing that makes running away all the more attractive an option is the fact that i have an amazing boy who I’d love to run to and wants me to run to him. Running would mean giving up everything I know, for a world of uncertainty, a huge gamble in anyone’s life! I hate the idea of ever being left with any ‘what if……..?’ scenarios in my life and this would always be a huge one unless I truly did end up living happily ever after. My world is just one constant list of weighing up pros and cons which is ridiculous since there really is no major time constraint on any of this! It just feels like there is and I can’t for the life of me work out why. Maybe it’s the worry of hurt, that’s the only thing i can possibly think of. Leaving work, for the first time in my life, would be easy. It’s the people, the hurt and the seeming heartlessness that disturbs me. I’ve spent my life having to put everyone else before myself and would so love to just put myself first for once; doesn’t mean that it’s an easy thing to do!
It’s so easy to over analyse everything and such a dangerous thing to do. Dealing with this strength of feeling is new territory for me and one that reflects on my life on a daily basis, but actually one that i wouldn’t give up on finding out whether it’s real or not, for the world. Mr B has turned my world upside down but if he “did the right thing” and walked away it would be worse than playing things out, however they turn out. He mentioned the word fate last night and i’d thought it for a while but seeing him say it made it all the more real. There has to be a reason that he’s come into my world now, I just wish I had the patience to know what that reason is. Until then, i’ll ride this roller coaster until it reaches its destination and enjoy every single second I have with my very own banana.