When I look back and read my posts over the last couple of weeks, I can see the very distinctive journey it took to turn me into what makes me feel like a bunny-boiler. According to the close friends that I have let know about the changes that are happening in my life, I am acting completely normally and shouldn’t be so worried about the way I feel. Only now do I realise that the reason I think and react these ways is that this amazing man is someone that I just don’t want to lose. No matter what my life may look like on the surface, nobody really knows just how special what I have stumbled upon is. The longer I go having only the ability of getting sporadic times to talk, the more and more insecure I get about his interest dwindling. I don’t lack any confidence in myself or our very obvious connection, just in the chance that it becomes less relevant to him or too much hassle for what it’s worth.
My life before, I am only just becoming wise to, was never quite what I had happily believed it was. Don’t get me wrong, there was comfort in those beliefs, but the cracks were there all the same. The thing that surprises me the most is that I’m entirely used to finding new chemistry with people and it being just that and only that. I am in the fortunate position that I have people every single day that ask to meet me or to spend some time with me but at no point am I even tempted to, regardless of how much of a spark there may well be. I am a person with such a high level of empathy and guilt that doing anything to hurt anyone would crucify me. The fact that as each day goes by my willingness to put everything aside for this boy who has brought out a better me astounds me. The friends who have known and loved me, through good times and bad, for most of my life now see a person who they love all the more. No matter how much natural scepticism there is about the circumstance of this change they can see past the morals and circumstance to the greater good.
Where it feels like this man has handed me the world, all I want to do is to hand him the same. It’s so ridiculous on the surface but without these feelings I’d never truly have realised just how much of me had died before he came into my world and all I can do is cherish that amazing gift as much as possible. The down side of that is that it forces me to show vulnerability and that’s something nobody was ever going to get access to ever again. I am handing over power and just having faith that the required level of responsibility is returned with that. Even the slightest move of a status change worries me. That’s utterly ridiculous! A million questions which stem from “if he wasn’t looking for a relationship or any kind of commitment then, why does it say he’s looking for one now?” is it a declaration that he wants that specifically from me? Is he looking to see if he can find other people who he would see as more available than me? Have I helped him see the good in himself, plumped up his self confidence and wants to know if he can do better? All relevant questions, ones that are too difficult to ask and the possibility of answers that would either make me melt or turn to stone inside. Once I see him, touch him, look into his eyes and truly interact with him then I will truly know how he feels. Until that time I just need to rein in my supremely annoying insecurity issues and have faith that our connection will naturally always be enough. If it’s not then it was never meant to be!