I lie here dreaming of a time where my moments will be spent looking into the eyes of a boy who is forever on my mind. The frustration of not getting to do so has become so great that it is transposing itself into insecurity. Time not spent talking and the longer that goes between our chances to communicate, the easier it will become for him to slip through my fingers. When we do get the chance to talk then everything is perfect and it comes flooding back exactly why I am as distracted by him as I am but the longer time passes without communication, the easier it may be for him to question those feelings, talk himself out of taking a chance with me and choosing to walk away. I know that our connection is real, I know that we bring the best parts of each other out and I know that we have a real possibility of living happily ever after, regardless of the cost. All of this would normally be fine if my banana batteries weren’t so low. The lower they get, the lower I get.
Getting attached to someone was never on the cards for me. I know I do it easily, always have really, but have never become so deeply attached to anyone as I have to my Mr. B. The ridiculous part has to be the fact that I have never had the chance to spend any real time in his physical presence but I’ve never felt the things I’m feeling now ever before. Everything in my life just seems kind of irrelevant because what I feel now is larger than all of that.
I try so hard not to put the pressure on him to scare him away but need to tell him just how much I miss him all of the time. I need to hold him, kiss him, love him and cherish him but I just never get the chance. Have never had the chance. Desperately want to have that chance! The more I get to know, the more I like, the more I want and the more I need to keep him.
Being this vulnerable is alien territory to me. After my first marriage I realised that opening yourself up to any kind of vulnerability is just stupid. Giving anyone the power to hurt you is both the greatest and most dangerous thing you can do in your life! I’d much rather ride the roller coaster and risk being hurt than risk never giving the good things a chance though! I just have to believe that if it is meant to happen then it will and if it isn’t then there’s a lesson that I’m meant to learn from that. I’m usually a patient person but with this longing it’s becoming impossible. I just want to know everything I can ever know about this amazing man’s mind, body and soul.
Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight…………………………..