Confusion and insecurity

What a horrible situation I find myself in.  After a horribly rocky weekend, where these pressures are obviously taking their toll, for the last 2 days Mr B. has been showing up as online but not talking at all.  This has happened one time and only one time before so I never really thought that much about it but for the same thing to occur, out of the blue, 2 days in a row has left me in a horribly insecure position.  The last conversation we had was good enough with him talking about us getting a chance to spend time together, but now he has been on twice for hours at a time and not spoken.  I know that to show up online you need to actually log in, it doesn’t happen automatically, and will automatically log you out after a certain length of time. That length of time is certainly shorter than 4 hours. The only way I can be left to feel is rejected.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that I had ended up feeling like a bunny-boiler I now find myself feeling sad as well.  I knew that opening myself up like this would end up with a huge amount of hurt at some point, I just didn’t see it being now and like this.  I try so hard to have faith that the connection we have is something he won’t find elsewhere but, for his priorities to have possibly changed, that then runs the risk of him needing more than the huge element of risk involved in getting into anything with me.

All of these awful what ifs, life possibilities, risks that I had to consider taking may well be turning into something that may well turn out to be completely irrelevant.  Whether this amazing boy had come into my life or not then the chances are that I would have seen the cracks in my marriage at the moment but him being around made me realise what I really do want/need from life. That is something I may never truly have realised if he hadn’t. Maybe things have become too real, too scary and he needs to take a step back just to protect himself. I understand that, totally understand that, but understanding doesn’t make it hurt any less. It also doesn’t make it acceptable to ignore my existence!  I shall remain to have faith that there is the possibility that he is being hacked or that he has reasons not to talk but the insecure me will always tell me that someone else is entertaining him and I never will get to find out just how things could have been.

I just really hope that in a couple of weeks I can look back at this post, breathe a sigh of relief and have already found out what it’s actually like to spend time with my very own Banana. If not then I have a full documentation of the journey of self discovery I took, what caused it, where it took me and where I end up.  Until then I’ll just attempt to remain patient, try not to let my self esteem suffer and hope for a time that I get to speak with him again.  Just as a wise man told me, it’s always good to have hope.

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