After the insecurity and confusion, there seems to be a light dimly shining in the distance. Where all of my questions have been answered, all of the profile information has returned to its original set up and a big fright has been had by all, I have been left with a feeling of almost limbo. The conclusion of hacking has been reached and passwords have been changed. I fought it all at the beginning, with an air of scepticism, but every hoop was jumped through and every box was ticked in a way that wasn’t contrived or laced with obvious lies.
We seem to have managed to escape without any real air of awkwardness and everything that was there on the day he left seems to still be there now, but with a little bit more proof and conviction than before. The squishiness is a lot greater than it was, when it does sneak out, and details of the horn have been added to. I have the freedom to say whatever I need to say, no matter how deep, how rude, how seemingly inappropriate or how blunt it may be. I am continually assured that I won’t scare him away and sometimes get little snippets of a longing that is then very quickly controlled. I’ll take those snippets and keep them warm until I get to see them for real.
Indications show that he’s finally coming home next week, but I’m obviously not counting any chickens! I refuse to set myself up for a fall again and will remain to have that little bit of a barrier up until this world stops being so distant and starts being real. If there’s one thing this whole journey has taught me, it’s the number of barriers I actually have up, all of the time in my life. I always thought that I was an open book (just like someone else I know claims) but recently managed to realise that, although I choose to answer every question I’m asked with total honesty, I tend to omit lots of pieces of information or just summarise the overall outcome. I give as little opportunity for people to hurt me as possible, so for me to have opened up this level of vulnerability is totally alien to me and just seems so dangerous. I would rather, however, open myself up to hurt and take a chance with my feelings than risk never finding out what could be. The scariness of the idea of losing that amazing boy has made me want to find out what’s real, even more.