So, I thought my next entry to here would be either a tale of wonder or woe but as it turns out it’s a tale of nothingness. To put a brief update, after the last conversation with my mr. B I have heard nothing at all. He has to be in the country by now but has chosen to keep a nicely safe distance from me. Given, our last conversation ended badly when I, stupidly, reminded him of the one time things were a little bit iffy and he seems to have taken this reminder incredibly badly. To have gone from the most amazingly squishy and loving conversation to a sudden need to bolt is upsetting, but something I’ll ride through to see where things stand. The only real feeling I have is sadness but I have a hunch that the assumption will be there that I’m angry, which I’m not.
I’ve begun to realise that the coping mechanisms we all have are things that we have next to no control over. We all have these little things that we do to protect ourselves from feeling whatever we feel and 9 times out of 10 they’re actually quite destructive to ourselves, yet we seem to be incapable of breaking the cycle. Some people run away, some people push others away, some people self-harm, some people start to obsessively control their food intake, some people need to fuck the pain away and others just become reclusive. Over the years I have gone through a few of these coping mechanisms and experienced the others through people I love dearly. Obviously there are a million others that I’ve not included but for the purpose of this thought process I’ve only listed the ones I’ve had close contact with a number of times. I find myself turning to my old faithful again and realise that no matter how cleansing it may feel at the time, the underlying issue will always be there. Being pushed away is horrific but something I’m very aware is a coping mechanism and something I should never really feel any personal attack about.
Where a few weeks ago I would have turned my usual brand of bunny boiler, now I just feel sad and worry about what I might have done wrong. It would be more than inappropriate to text and ask if he’s ok, especially if it really is a case of him feeling the pressure of the situation. It is inevitable that we’d both be feeling a huge amount of pressure, purely based on the feelings involved and the possibilities that exist in our heads but I think I was always way more prepared for this pressure because I let myself think about it.
There is not one area of my life that is simple at the moment and I know I’m standing on the edge of a very tall, crumbling cliff. It’s just a matter of time before I’m forced to plunge into the nothingness that is the unknown but the fact that I’m not worrying nearly as much as I usually would kinda scares me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m aware that it’s a blessing to not be worrying about it but that in itself is setting off huge alarm bells. I know I’m on a little path of self-destruction that I don’t seem capable of stepping away from but it just makes me long for one thing to just go right so that I can at least focus on that. I have no way of making any future plans as I have no idea what my future is going to hold. If you can’t make plans then you can have nothing to look forward to. I need something to look forward to, everyone does really!
My life would be in this situation regardless of whether my very own banana had come into it, it just feels like he worries in case he is any kind of catalyst or that my judgement is clouded where he is concerned. Of course it’s not, I just have no way of proving it until he can look into my eyes. The main problem with that is how much actually rests on us getting to a place where we can look into each other’s eyes. The real life feelings are inevitable but there is always the fear of the even worse situation of them not being there. There is not a single part of me that doesn’t understand why he’s having such an internal battle about this, I just wish he could understand that the battle exists for both of us. I don’t like feeling hurt and I like even less when my coping mechanism kicks into action. As usual, my optimism will just hold on for the time that everything makes sense. Whatever the sense may be!