Craving my happy place

I have always found that my level of positivity can be measured based on just how much I long to be in my happy place.  In the interests of clarity, my happy place is Florida.  It’s the one and only place that I have found that I just immediately fit in.  The logical assumption, based on my posts, is that this change (or lowering) of my mood would be in direct relation to my lack of contact from Mr.B.  Where it must be an attributing factor, it is certainly not the reason.

There have been quite a few really huge issues in my life this year and all of them seem to be escalating to the point of coming to a head at the same time.  The metaphor I used to explain my mood today was that if you piled enough rocks together to make a mountain, eventually there’ll be an avalanche.  Tomorrow I will have just built the mountain stronger again and I’ll be back to normal.  How I hope this is true.  I hate feeling sad, it really disturbs people when I am because apparently I’m always usually cheery and bubbly but that’s something I’d never notice since I’m just me!  I just happen to notice the domino effect if I am quieter than normal.

Getting to this point has been entirely predictable since the warning signs of resorting to my coping mechanisms have triggered into play.  The problem is, when you even reject your coping mechanism, you know that things are going to be bad!  I didn’t even sing along to my cd on my way to work in the car, a situation which only ever arises if: 1) I have passengers, 2) I have some kind of virus or 3) I just have nothing to sing about. Today, very obviously, was the latter.  All I need at the moment is something to look forward to, but there really just is nothing.  I have no money to afford a holiday this year, am on the brink of being made redundant because of one person’s power trip, have a marriage which has cracks wider than the grand canyon and a banana who has seemingly run for the hills.  My friends are the one thing I’m grateful for as they’ll listen, support and cuddle me any time I need it.  I definitely couldn’t function without cuddles so am grateful for those.

The beauty of Florida is that it’s the one place that you can go and scream for 3 weeks without anyone thinking you’re a fruit loop.  Given, it happens to be because of the rides, but any excuse to scream is good for me.  Nobody can contact me, there is a technology ban (for that very reason!), I feel relaxed, can do whatever I like at any time and smile constantly.  What’s not to love about that?  Even having been there with my first husband and having to spend the highest proportion of my time flying solo I just felt completely relaxed and at home.  Obviously it’s the relaxation I crave more than anything but I just have no way of achieving it here!

I genuinely feel like Mr.B has freaked himself out and just decided to leave it, maybe for now anyway at least. That makes me need to know for sure if I’ve to just readjust my thought pattern and try to remove him from it or if I’ve to continue giving the benefit of the doubt.  There’s a fine line between being understanding, being overlooked and being completely disregarded.  If the future is to be relevant then I can’t put myself in the position of always having to put myself last.  I’m kinda already there organically! I suppose my entire life at the moment is just one gigantor state of limbo and maybe I should just chill out about it all and accept that next to none of the outcomes are in my hands.  Actually, I think I have kinda accepted that, living with it is the excruciating part!


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