For a long time, I spent my life completely controlled by another person. Invariably, this control was entirely abused and became an exercise of power/intimidation. It’s amazing how gradual an abuse of power is undertaken and the effect that it eventually leaves. Interestingly, you never really realise you are the great invisible force until something brings you back from the nothingness that is all encompassing.
Confidence is a fascinating thing, really. It’s probably the most fragile thing that we have inside of ourselves and the quickest thing to be destroyed when someone disregards it. We can feel confident in certain areas of our lives but completely lack it in others and people just never seem to realise that any negativity sent out by our actions are based purely on defense mechanisms from the destruction of one area of our confidence. People who are the most arrogant/outwardly confident seem to be the ones who lack confidence the most internally. They can be truly confident in their abilities to perform better than anyone else in their respective field but if they feel the need to be arrogant about it then that can only be indicative of them seeking others to tell them that they are special.
As a person, I am naturally nurturing and always like to make people realise just how valuable they are in my world. In my first marriage, all I wanted to do was please him any way I could, but that was an impossible task. By the end of the relationship I wasn’t allowed on the same floor of the house as him, was not allowed to make any noise, had to keep the door closed of any room I was in, would be ignored for weeks on end, was made to sleep in the smallest room in the house in a 15 year old sagging sprung single bed while he got to take the £800 king size bed which I had bought when we got the house, was told that there was nothing sexy about me, i was an annoyance, i was too demanding and would never ever be able to do any better than him. There were other elements to the abuse but I feel no need to dwell on those, only to make myself aware of reasons I feel the things I do. As a direct result, there are certain things that I will instinctively shy away from and other things that I’ll naturally push away from me. I can’t be made to have the power because i was forced into that situation, I find it very difficult to give people the gift of my entire trust, I react very badly to being treated like I’m insignificant. Obviously, everyone reacts badly to that, I just happen to be extra sensitive about it.
Where my first marriage was so hugely abusive, my second marriage has just become almost a flip of the first situation. Of course I am not insinuating that I am the one to have turned abusive but, where i had previously just wanted to please, I now find myself in a situation of someone who wants to spend every waking second with me. This happened with the boyfriend I had between marriages too and I would like to know what I do to create this! My friend’s theory is that I make people feel so good about themselves that the damaged them craves this all of the time. I’m not their therapist, I need my space to be me and need to miss the person I am with to make sure that i always am grateful for the time I spend with them. It’s the suffocation that makes me hit out, push everything away and want out. Given, this definitely is not the only difficulty with my current marriage, it’s probably the main factor of things going so badly wrong. I have had to point out just how similar things have become to the person I left for my husband and the reasons things have gone the way they have. This obviously scared him, and he is trying, but he just doesn’t seem to know where to start. Overall he has been a very lazy partner and I have done all of the work through the entire relationship, to the point that we have traced it back to right at the beginning. There are big things that he has done over the years to hurt me and a whole portion of our time that I’ve just never been allowed to talk about because he can’t cope with discussing a time that he messed up so badly.
The horrible thing about the way I feel at the moment is that there are areas of both of these problems which are showing up within the way Mr.B. seems to react to me. He can be very loving, very attentive (given, while being very defensive about it if there’s a chance that he’ll get hurt), incredibly funny and enjoys me expressing the way I’m feeling but there are times where he seems to just freak out and then I have no idea where I stand. I really don’t want to be in the situation of having to do all of the work and that’s kinda how it feels at the moment. There is no basis connected to the amount he has to work, I totally accept that and probably actually like how dedicated he is, there are things that take 10 seconds to do however that he doesn’t. I’m all about honesty, i’ve shown a lot of vulnerability (stupidly), have seen little glimpses of it in return but things are so deeply ingrained in him that the flight option will win out over fight every time. This pressure has crept up, over time, out of nowhere and has certainly not been lead by me. Actually, I don’t think it’s been either one of us that has caused it to get to this. It is what it is and somehow snowballed into something huge. Utterly stupid really. I know he’s a damaged soul, I know I really want to be allowed to love him but I can’t do it all. I’m human, I need things in return. There is the possibility of something really amazing coming from us but now I feel that it will never be allowed to happen.
I know all of the massive things going on in my life right now are the trigger for me feeling so low, but it’s best to be realistic while I’m in this frame of mind and make sense of the stuff going on in my head. There is still the glimmer of hope that he’ll realise the possibilities and step back into the spotlight, but I think i’ve mostly resigned myself to him having walked away. All of the things he swore blind wouldn’t happen. I’m trained not to be demanding, to keep the boundaries clear and to make sure that the man is the man. Respect comes from me naturally but it just hurts that it’s not returned in the same way, especially considering my past.