Socialising with your fingers

I enjoy talking with people online and it probably stems from my days as a teenager where I had a little collection of pen pals.  In reality, it’s the same kind of situation, you just don’t have to wait for a couple of days to get a response (most of the time!).  The beauty of socialising by the use of the written word alone, is that it encourages you to pay attention to what you’re actually portraying to the other person.  In real life, everything is so quick and instinctive that things are gone before you get the chance to actually think about what you just said or did!  So many inappropriate interactions can occur without you realising it that, if you have no chance to reflect on why things went wrong, people start to see no fault in themselves.  These people seem to live in a semi-permanent state of bitter confusion.  It never ceases to amaze me just how delusional people can be about the person they actually are, compared to the person they think they are.  Actually, I think a lot of the delusion comes from them just not being aware of the person they portray and just find it easiest to blame everyone else’s ‘bitchiness’.

It was very easy to progress from letter writing to chatting on the internet, in fact, it was an entirely logical progression.  I never understand people why shy away from online communication or say that they can’t find things to talk about.  In real life I tend to struggle for conversation topics with new people but through a computer it’s just never an issue!  The reason for this is a thing that I ponder frequently.  Maybe in real life I am so sensitive to body language and facial signals that my insecurity levels are a lot higher and, in turn, knocks my flow.  I’d  be interested to hear anyone else’s theory on this!

Over the years I have just ‘collected’ people from online communication and even ended up dating a few.  In fact, I’ve dated more people that I’ve met through online communication than people I have met in real life first.  I even married one of them!  The problem with this is that, because I enjoy chatting so much, it’s something I just can’t walk away from.  I have a lot of social networking sites that I have profiles in and often have new people contact me through them.  Don’t get me wrong, my husband is perfectly comfortable with me talking to my friends online, it’s something that’s mostly innocuous. There are the odd occasional connections that seem to spark out of the blue and tend to cause a little bit too much mischief, however.  Maybe because the majority of my communication with boys, when I was a teenager, was with my pen pals has made it that it’s second nature to me to open up who i am through words.  Almost like there’s an unrealistic safety attached to it.  This has seemed to encourage others to open up to me, in a similar manner, and tends to induce feelings and emotions that those people wouldn’t normally experience.

There have been occasions where I have clicked with someone so immediately and strongly online that there is no other option but to meet them and spend some time in their presence.  That, in itself, can be seen as adultery; even if no sex ever occurs!  Actually, even some of the conversations themselves can be seen as a form of adultery, depending on the person’s definition of the word.  So much of my moral ineptitude seems to stem from my baggage left by my first marriage that I’ve stopped even trying to fight those situations.  I only ever make them worse if I do because then I become a challenge and who doesn’t love the thrill of the chase?  Recently I had a situation where that all got entirely out of control but he was good enough to realise how much our lives would end up changing if we met and decided that he felt safer to just cut all communication.  Given, he didn’t actually have the balls to say it directly to me (I think maybe because he was worried in case he wouldn’t be able to deal with the nice thoughts if we did talk) but I knew what was happening and gave him an easy get out.  This has happened on 3 separate occasions in my life.  Where I may obsess about someone at the time, I find it surprisingly easy to just flush them from my world when I have to.

I’d like to clarify that I’m only referring to it as adultery because I’m currently married.  These situations were mostly when I had a boyfriend and not fully committed.  It’s still cheating, just not adultery, but it’s just easier to keep it to one word.

One thing I’ve found is that people who have ever had really strong feelings for you will never disappear forever!  Add to that the fact of how easy it is for people to find you online that the chances of them popping up, out of the blue, are scarily high and entirely unpredictable!  I suppose the reason I find it so easy for me to flush these special people out of my world is because I know, at the back of my mind, that it’s not the last time I’ll get to talk to them again.  I’m patient, I don’t have a fear of abandonment, I’m happy with who I am and have been lucky to have people love me or even think about keeping me for themselves.  Some people can’t deal with those things and just get out of the whole situation.  Doesn’t mean they don’t come back to dip their toe into the pond again to see how things could have been or if they are in a place where they want to try again.    Both my husband and I know that we will only ever be together through choice, never through necessity and testing that can be healthy.  I’m sure most people would disagree that there is even the slightest element of health in there though!

All I know is that I’ll forever continue to talk to people online and unexpected things will always come from that.  It’s not because i’m looking for a ‘better life’ or am unhappy with the life that I do have, it’s purely that I enjoy learning about people and people enjoying my conversation.  Who doesn’t like to be liked?


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