Unattainable dreams and aspirations

From the youngest age, in fact I don’t remember a time when this wasn’t the case, my one and only real dream was to be a mother.  I think my own mother was so into babies and other people’s children that my natural empathy with her would have always made it so that it would be the one thing I would crave for my own world.  As i’ve mentioned in previous blogs, I managed to get a partner of my own, a house (with 3 bedrooms) and theoretically should have been all set for making lots of babies.  The slight problem with that was that I had an entirely dysfunctional relationship and every excuse under the sun was used as to why we couldn’t start trying for a family.  His excuses were mostly financial, that and the fact that he was entirely unwilling to have any kind of sex with me.  I was expected to please him sexually but penetration was less than rarely incorporated into that.  Being so young during most of this, I felt was an advantage because there was plenty of time.  My Mum went through menopause at 35 and I was only 19 so I had time on my side.  Or so I thought.

By the age of 27, I realised that a lot of time had marched on and we decided to get that legal piece of paper to say that we could socially acceptably have children.  Ridiculous, in retrospect, but we both had pretty traditional families and bastard children were never likely to be part of that.  Obviously, this is not my view on children born outside of marriage, just from the view of our traditional families.  I had moved into the house (given, under a hugely inappropriate environment to raise any kind of family!) and we went off to Florida to make us legal.  Holidays were always a priority in our household, as it was an environment that I was allowed to communicate and spend actual time with my partner.  We were really happy on holiday, it was surreal really, so it made sense that we would get married while on one.  And a hell of a lot cheaper!

We started trying occasionally for children when we came back from florida and immediately saved up to go back the next year.  The main problem was that I began to start to realise that I was feeling uncomfortable about the idea of actually having a family with him.  We went back to Florida the following year, had the greatest holiday and 3 months later I saw the light and finally got out!  Luckily, we never conceived while we were together.

Once I was on my own, I was very open about everything and honest about wanting to have a family one day.  Oddly, I genuinely felt that I never wanted to marry again but knew that the prospect of a long term relationship was still viable to me!  In my mind, it was a piece of paper that held a legal contract, nothing more than that.  Obviously, I was wrong.

I had a few offers from people I knew well to basically be almost glorified sperm donors.  They knew how much I wanted a family and almost saw it as an honour if they could help me fulfill that dream.  It’s strange really, the way boys react to the idea of planting their seed and letting it grow!  Given, there would be the fun first to get the donation but it still kinda surprises me that  so many people were so excited by that idea.  These were even people who had it on tap from me anyway!  Especially knowing that i’d never ask for anything from them!  Never once did I actually take anyone up on their offer and in the number of months that i was between marriages I had a number of proposals!  I think I’m currently sitting at 8 proposals of marriage in my life and only ever accepted 2 of them.  Considering the fact that I’d started off thinking that nobody would ever fancy me, let alone love me enough to want to spend the rest of their lives with me, to have had this many people get to that point is completely incomprehensible to me.

There’s a huge part of me that always wishes I’d been less sensible and just thrown caution to the wind to see if anyone could have succeeded in actually impregnating me.  As I previously mentioned, my mum went through menopause at 35 and I don’t think has ever been that fertile.  I’ve since found out (after my mum died, i hasted to add) that my parents never used any other form of contraception other than the rhythm method!  That is utterly ridiculous!  My sister was planned, I was not, and I came along at the point that my mum’s body was in the first throws of menopause.

I have had hormone and probable fertility problems noted from the age of 21.  I have been on a variety of different contraceptive pills over the years, one even was to combat the huge amounts of testosterone that my body was creating.  My ovaries worked normally, my hormones would just stop me ovulating.  This has never been fully investigated and continually brushed under the carpet.  There are things that I have worked with on my own and got my body into a happier place with itself but the medics never realise that the underlying causes can be something as simple as the body’s intolerances to certain foods.

For the first time in my entire life, i’m having a regular 4 week cycle with actual physical signs of ovulation at the mid point.  I can think of another couple of blogs that I want to put out to specifically address situations connected to this but I feel this should concentrate on the parts that have been within my control.  We have been actively (well, whenever sex has actually occurred) trying for children since we got married but have been unsuccessful to this point – almost 4 years down the line.  I’m feeling more positive at the moment on the basis that I am actually showing signs of some kind of actual cycle but am well aware that time is, most definitely, not on my side.

2 of my best friends have had horrific conception/pregnancy difficulties and it almost helps me realise that my situation is so much easier than theirs.  How can I ever feel sad or bitter about never having conceived when they have to deal with miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies and choices that no person should ever have to make.  My sister is in a very similar situation to me and has been diagnosed as unable to conceive.  She has become very bitter and negative about this and takes umbrage at the smallest thing.  I refuse for us to be diagnosed as I don’t think it’s right that either of us should feel the pressure of holding the blame for it just not happening.  Realistically, it could be anything and it could be nothing.  Just not been right.  My best friend has been tested as normal, as has her husband, with no indication of any reason they shouldn’t conceive.  It took them years to fall pregnant first and since then have had 3 completely soul destroying situations occur.  

If this is a dream that is never likely to come true then I won’t feel like I’ve failed.  I’ve raised some fantastic beings in this world and will always have love in my life.  Ideally I’d like to foster children, but at the moment the situation is just not feasible due to our living arrangement.  I know my dad desperately wants to have grandchildren and, for him, i genuinely hope his dream comes true.  Until that time I’ll happily live under the belief that it’s never likely to happen so that if it does then it’s a pleasant surprise.


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