Exploring the darker side

One thing that I never understood about having been in a hugely controlling situation was the eventual requirement to make sense of power through your own kind of control.  People all do that in many different ways but I happened to stumble into a time of physical exploration of power.  It was never anything that i sought out or even knew would connect with me in any capacity at all but a time of my life that was hugely compelling.  It’s not something I would say that I have been left with as a fetish or kink in any way, but something that I’m comfortable playing with in the right capacity.

There was a gradual mental process to finding myself with my Master.  As I have previously mentioned, I was on a multitude of different social networking sites and would always speak with very different people.  I found this fascinating.  Everyone is very different and you respond to those different personalities in very different ways yourself.  Almost like those people bring out different facets of your personality that you sometimes never realised even existed.  Most of the people I connected with online had very flirtatious interaction with me but I have never been a person who was interested in cyber sex or random fantasy play.  My mind just doesn’t seem to be tuned into that as I have to feel the person’s soul when I am with them sexually.  Possibly my own vulnerability or lack of confidence sexually but I have just never been able to ‘get off’ on or even be aroused by someone telling me what they’d do to me unless it connected to me emotionally as well.  I know I’m weird this way, it doesn’t bother me, but it is something people struggle to understand.

 So, one of the people who messaged me on one of those many sites (i don’t even remember from which one, incidentally) showed signs of dominance which I immediately connected with.  He somehow managed to persuade me into performing little tasks for him, take photographic evidence of such and then sending him it.  I have absolutely no idea how this happened, he was obviously just a class manipulator and I loved it!  I didn’t have to worry about whether I was turning someone on, I knew that I was.  This was a whole other world of the unknown for me.  He talked me into creating a profile for me on a fetish website, using my information and my photographs.  I gave him permission to have full control over it, even when he suggested me considering meeting someone from there if I was comfortable enough.  He only ever needed to have the control from a distance, didn’t need the real life capacity.  I don’t know whether this was a confidence thing for him or just the way his power connected to his mind but it started to feel like he wanted me to explore this side of me in a way that he couldn’t fully manage.  He created my profile, chose the wording and read any of my communication with people.  He never communicated with anyone on my behalf but enjoyed watching my natural reactions to different people’s attitudes to the fetish.  I was his discovery, his toy to blossom as much as he could and let go to the next level when the time came.

I was messaged by a man, who I was curious about, but didn’t feel compelled to immediately respond.  I hadn’t had a chance to suss out how I felt about his communication towards me so had chosen not to reply.  Unlike any other site, I found it safer to just not acknowledge messages on the fetish site unless I particularly enjoyed someone’s way with me.  He must have known that I had been online and read his message but not responded as he messaged again to state how having such poor manners was certainly not the quality a proper sub should have.  I LOVED that!  I have impeccable manners but was a little insecure on there for me to have the courage to respond fully to everyone who messaged.  I will not be criticised on manners and that was a button that he pushed effectively to get me to respond to him.   I responded to this message, apologising profusely, asking him to reconsider his opinion of me.  This was the beginning of a whole new part of my life.

Very quickly he managed to persuade me to explore this me with him in real life.  He knew my story, I was very honest with him and he showed me that he would care for me, protect me and even love me while taking me through a journey of self discovery.  I have never known trust like I had with my Master.  We never even required a safe word, he was just so tapped into my soul that he could judge the situation purely based on the look in my eyes. 

Our routine would be a Sunday night. We had very little contact through the week as it was something we wanted to keep within very distinctive boundaries.  I was allowed to occasionally message him with specifics of times or venue for that sunday and if I felt particularly loving towards him that day.  He enjoyed the loving texts a lot but was very careful to keep them restrained.  He would spend the week working out what he wanted to explore with me and anything he would require to take with him if he was coming to my flat or what he needed to have to hand if i was going round to his.  I was never given any prior information about his plans and my entire trust and will was in his hands to do with as he wished.  Over the months that we were in each other’s lives we explored lots of different ‘fetishes’ to see if any particularly connected with me.  None ever really did but I loved finding the fact that I can completely switch pain off within a ten count.  I loved finding out how tight I actually am, what I felt the need to say no to, the fact I could physically fight him if I needed to and him still love me.  That was the main reason we never had a safe word, I think, we enjoyed the power struggle when necessary.  The routine was very much there though.  One of us would arrive, we would sit close by each other on the couch to talk about our week and catch up on the usual pleasantries while stroking each other’s hair or leg or faces.  All very loving and lasting almost exactly 30 mins. Then, all of a sudden, the look in his eyes would change.  Like someone had flicked a switch in his brain and it was down to business.  Very almost like they were glazed over and the evil side had taken over.  I enjoyed that change because it immediately flicked the same switch in my mind to just be completely vulnerable and open myself up to anything he needed me to do or be.  It wasn’t often about pain, just boundaries and expressing things in different ways.  There was even one night where we dressed each other up, had a ‘girly’ night and I did his make up.  That was so much fun and his message the next day regarding his paranoia about his non-existent remnants of eyeliner.  Obviously, I’m only specifying the least overtly sexual night we had out of all of those months but it was a special night.  After 3 hours (or so) of exploration, when we were both tired, it would stop and we would lie naked and snuggled in tight.  We would often kiss, always talk and occasionally make love.  Real, tender, true love making.  I was his special possession.

The most poignant evening was one where he turned up at my door with a collar in hand.  He explained the use of the collar and my instructions regarding its ‘contract’.  I was now officially his property and the collar could only ever be removed if the permission was requested and granted.  The placing of the collar was almost like a ceremony that was repeated every single week, although I was allowed to keep the collar at home in case I wished to have a top up of feeling like his property as I always was.

Real life got in the way after a while and the possibility of a relationship forced me to request release.  He analysed the situation, decided that he thought this was a good move for me and gave me his permission to move on to the next stage of my life.  Had he not approved then he would never have given me permission and i actually believe I would have trusted his judgement which would have kept me with him.  We decided to have no more contact at all as our roles in each other’s lives were complete.  My Master will always be a stage of my life that helped me figure out who I am, who I was and what I am capable of.  A person that I will reminisce about fondly and remain eternally grateful that he chose to come into my life and explore me.

 

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