I started talking about this subject yesterday but it ended up turning into something entirely different once I was putting things into words. It’s strange how thoughts do that! The thing I’ve noticed most often about getting these thoughts out onto here is that it makes a lot more sense of the silly things that bother me in my life.
Keeping in mind my history in the world of BDSM, both through my exploration and my previous marriage, the twist that I have found myself in recently is a hugely strange one. As usual, I was keeping up with my messages on one of my social networking sites when I started receiving messages from the Doctor. This man was obviously intelligent (regardless of his occasional chosen misspellings, minor text speak and the like), hugely cynical and very stand offish in his responses. Initially I wondered why he had even bothered messaging me in the first place if he was going to try so little with his communications until I realised that it was his cynicism that was automatically assuming that everyone was an idiot. If someone acts like that with me, my need to challenge it automatically kicks into action. Once the challenge aspect is activated then it has to become about me manipulating the situation around to my benefit until i feel like i’ve broken the person down enough to understand their baggage. Strangely, reading that makes me sound like such a bitch!
So, through regular conversation about the simplest of topics, I kept up my usual openness about myself and my history when the topic of being dominant or submissive was somehow casually thrown in. It wasn’t done in a BDSM manner, just in a general personality kind of way, but it lead to a whole other area of conversation. I ended up skirting over my past with rough explanations as to my reasons for my reactions to certain things and he initially played with the idea of dominating me. It’s been a really long time (6 years now that I think of it) since any of that has been in my world. Maybe with the exception of a little bit of the light stuff during sex, but I think more people than would admit to have a little bit of the light side in their regular sexual encounters. Switching that thought process on again was an interesting thing. I can honestly say that it’s not a fetish of mine but is something that I can totally relate to on a personal level. Not sure I quite understand why I connect with it in the manner that I do but I also know that it’s not some deep seeded fantasy world I have going on either.
Very quickly, the messages went from him being the one in charge to him greatly preferring to be the one who is dominated. It could switch very quickly and without warning. Considering I’d come from a history of being forced to be the Domme that I expected to freak out a little bit when I was in that situation again but I have been greatly surprised by my reaction. It’s so incredibly instinctive for me to know which buttons to push and when to push them to get the desired reaction. There are times where he’ll flip it all of a sudden and push my boundaries (or find out where they are) but in the majority it is me playing with his emotions. This man is older than me, has a very important job (which can run the risk of checking phone activity) and a family life at home. All of these are things that I respect greatly but can also always be used to my advantage.
As it turns out, from understanding what actions or words to avoid to avoid hurting people, these same things can then be twisted and used to create that desired affect with someone craving it. Guilt and empathy can both be used to manipulate for good or evil. I often would trade in my overly sensitive guilt and empathy for anything else but always eventually realise how important it is in my life and that all of the bad has just as much good attached to it. I enjoy making him squirm, making his tummy flip, making him feel love towards me, making him hard, making him desperately need to cum; all from the comfort of my world in an entirely different country. He likes to be made to wait, to beg, to please in any way he can. He sends photos that I request and I send him ones of me in return as a treat. One main thing about the Doctor is that he has lived without much external sexual arousal for a prolonged period of time and didn’t expect to really find it again. The fact that he’s found this with me is particularly baffling for me when I really am so completely vanilla with my personal sexuality. It was pointed out to me that I, as a person, am not vanilla but my sexual preference may well be.
Learning the balance between being tough and loving is the most fascinating part for me. The balance hasn’t seemed to be something that I’ve had to really think about, it just seems to come naturally. He shared a link to specific porn for me to watch to give him my honest opinion, which I did. I could see why it worked particularly well for him, based on the specific subjects covered, but at the same time I found a lot of fault in what was going on that could have been done so much better. It was from this that it made me realise how much of my psyche is intertwined into this world. A world that has treated me both well and badly in the past. I’m not sure it would be something I could ever even begin to do with someone that I didn’t have a mental, emotional and intelligent connection with, but is something that would be interesting to experience in real life under those boundaries. An area that previously filled me with fear, dread and physical illness has started to twist itself into something that could be a beautiful thing for me. I’m greatly enjoying this man, enjoying his patience with me, his honesty and the openness he has very kindly given me. Shutting down is something that would be completely outwith his control but I feel that I would be able to catch that before it got to the point of cutting him off. We have discussed the very real difference between fantasy play and reality. Just because either of us would find something acceptable in fantasy does not mean that we would even dream of experiencing it in real life. We both have things that turn us on in theory but the reality would be so abhorrent that if we stumbled upon it in real life we would immediately shut down completely. Learning what those boundaries are is something I particularly enjoy.
This is the beginning of a journey into exploring the next part of who I am and one that I will be eternally grateful to my Doctor for stumbling upon. I am in no doubt that there will be further references to him in the future but for now I shall just enjoy the things he is teaching me without even having to try.