The cleansing of the soul

People have many ways of cleansing their soul and almost always they are completely different from everyone else’s chosen technique.  Most recently I have discovered just how cleansing writing your feelings down can be.  I have always spoken to friends about the things I was concerned about or questioning in my life but never realised that actually thinking about things before you put them out there gives you a greater chance to fully understand what you actually think or feel.  My blog has done me a lot of good and I have recently found that if I have to go a few days without getting to write about something then the tension starts to build up inside.  Being secretive about my blog with my husband is important as I talk about the things that he would see as a huge threat to him when I’m on here.  I often think about having another blog somewhere else and just choosing the posts that would be safe for him to read on there so that I had the freedom to blog with his knowledge without him having to know every thought and emotion that goes through my mind.  The conclusion ive come to is that it is just safer to never even mention that I enjoy writing what I’m feeling down, that way he can never stumble upon what I’ve put.  I have to write my blog on the belief that nobody I know will ever read it.  I know this is ridiculous in itself because I have people who I have referred to on here that read regularly, but if I wrote it with any different a mindset then my honesty would suffer.  The only time I realise when something is bothering me to a worrying degree is when I find myself unable to put my thoughts into words or avoid the topic.

There’s one subject that I’ve been trying to find the energy to write about but have failed on a few occasions.  I’ve discussed really difficult things on here but the current situation with my work  is something that feels like it has ripped my soul out and i’m not ready to try and claw it back in yet.  There’s a draft entry sitting there, with title and an opening sentence but that’s all.  I’m sure I’ll find the energy to get it out eventually but even just seeing something that I’m not able to put into words is an amazing way of knowing what truly is plaguing my fragile little mind.  A thing that, in itself, is cleansing to have the knowledge of how bad the hurt actually is.

Previously I only had one outlet to cleanse my soul and that was spending time in my happy place.  The feeling I get when I’m in Florida is unlike anything else in the whole world.  The inner calm, the excitement, the emotion, the happiness and the comfort are unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.  My life would basically be filled with a constant yearning to be there and there was just no other way of making me feel better.  Reading that back makes me think I seem like I was in a semi-constant state of mild depression but, while I feel that may be slightly accurate, it was always easy to top up my happiness by watching endless things on youtube or researching a little more.  I’ve known that I lacked an outlet but never realised that writing could be it.

Through the short time that I’ve been writing my feelings down on here, it has amazed me that people actually bother to take the time to read my musings.  Even more bizarrely, people actually follow my blog to see what my next brain dump will be.  Seeing that little bar graph of views blows my mind on a daily basis!  I have a few people that I follow and greatly enjoy hearing their viewpoint on their world.  People fascinate me!  Sharing your experiences with people who want to hear them is a better thing than anyone gives credit for and something that I’m starting to value more as the time goes on.  Even expressing anger, hurt, sadness and confusion are fascinating to read so I suppose a part of this is a thank you to the people out there who choose to share their thoughts with the world in order for me to be able to dip into their mind to hear their thoughts.

Strangely, I’ve found that directing people I know to my blog and letting them read my inner thoughts and feelings has also separately been cleansing.  For years I talked myself into believing that I was an open book that everyone was welcome to access.  I could not have been more wrong.  Where I was honest and open about what I spoke about, I was very clever at choosing the things I shared in that way.  That’s a level of manipulation I never thought I was capable of, never mind be able to do it so easily.  I never lied, I only ever omitted information.  Omitting information is lying, whether you choose to admit it to yourself or not!  I have walls, barriers and spiky fences but genuinely believed the opposite to be true.  Learning the truth about that was liberating and has given me the opportunity to explore all of them a little bit at a time.

So many things cleanse the soul on a daily basis and it’s probably the first thing that you start to take for granted in your life.  The person who you see when you look your worst and warmly smiles just because they see you.  Finally nourishing your body in any way that it was lacking, after a prolonged time.  Hearing someone genuinely tell you that they love you.  Laughing at something ridiculous.  Laughing at anything!  There are a million others but they’re all simple, effortless and almost entirely understated but cleanse your soul a little bit at a time.  If you shut yourself down to hearing, seeing or feeling those things then all that will happen is you’ll become more and more bogged down with the negative until you can’t see the good any more.  I’ve seen it happen to so many people that it truly upsets me and is so easily changed.  I’m nothing different, nothing special, just a person, but all I did was take a step back and look at the world from anything other than a bad place.  No matter how many things drag you down, treading water can be the only option.  Letting your soul drown is just giving up and nobody likes a quitter, especially when it’s so easily avoided!

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