I knew, as soon as I woke up this morning, that it was going to be a rough day. I never know if it’s my hormones, a mini avalanche, a gigantor landslide or a fleeting feeling, but I seem to know within the first 30 minutes of waking up how the day is likely to pan out.
I had a challenging evening last night and, although I didn’t struggle to get to sleep, have woken up feeling a bit like an empty shell. I’ve had a lot hanging over my head for a while and know that things are coming to a head very soon so have sometimes had trouble getting to or staying asleep because of the noise in my head being too loud or fast. This wasn’t an issue last night, or this morning. The Doctor had been exploring my boundaries last night (instead of me exploring his) and seems to have poked at a wound that I never realised was as deep as it is. Our play comes in many different forms and can be either of us pushing the other but last night I had to push myself back from shutting down. It’s very rare that I ever get to the point of shutting down, but not listening to my base instincts of doing just that has left me in a position today of complete emptiness. I don’t blame The Doctor in any manner whatsoever but had to inform him this morning of the after effects of last night. In my head, I was giving him more respect by explaining what it was that was causing the shut down but my inability to push past it is something that I maybe should have taken the time to listen to myself about.
Anyway, I’m talking about sleep, not the specifics of the Doctor right now. Sometimes, the only way I have of realising things are worse than they seem is when I just can’t seem to wind down to sleep. The only way I have of saying it is that my head just won’t shut up. I’m not saying that I have voices in my head or any nonsense like that, just that the thoughts in my mind seem to get louder and more pronounced through the night. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I have actual insomnia as once I’m asleep I find it impossible to wake, just that it takes me frustratingly long to wind down enough to finally drop off.
At the same time, sometimes you wake up in the morning with no recollection of any dreams through the night but with a completely different mindset than you’ve had previously. Almost like through the night you’ve done some kind of massive maths problem and the answer has all of a sudden become clear. Not that you can remember how or why you came to the answer but it’s there all the same. The subconscious is a fantastic thing and also a drain at the same time. It’s obvious that the saying to “sleep on it” is there for a reason. Maybe it helps you listen to your base instincts? Maybe you wake up calmer than you were the day before and therefore more able to see things clearer? Or maybe, just maybe, your subconscious takes a problem, breaks it down into tiny little pieces and works through the entire problem in your mind until a solution is clear. It feels like all 3 of those things happen sometimes. I find it so much easier to try and just push everything away because out of nowhere the inner fortitude will suddenly occur for me to deal with things when i’m ready. I’m not sure if this fortitude would be found if my subconscious didn’t continue to work on problems when my conscious is floundering.
I love dreams, I find them fascinating. Interpreting dreams can be a hobby in itself! It can make you think things that are the opposite of what they’re trying to tell you and it just depends on where you mind is when you’re analysing them but sharing them with friends is an awesome way of getting other people’s opinions without having to actually share the real world stuff. More people should hide behind their dreams to get an opinion if they don’t want to talk about the real thing! Just like if you see someone you know and they look continually exhausted then they have more going on in their world than you’d ever know. The problem is, mostly likely, they have no idea what it is that’s going on either. It’s by the time the lack of sleep teams up with the random outbursts of emotion that you need to take a step back and try to work out what’s wrong.