Unknown dimensions

Ever since I’ve been exploring things with The Doctor, I have continually been surprised at myself and my ability to dominate in an effective manner.  From being physically ill at the prospect of what I thought domination was, to learning that it’s something that’s instinctively inside of me.  There are elements of it that I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand within myself but The Doctor is continually trying to look for a motive within me that’s just not there.  I’m pretty sure that my motivation for dominating is likely to be unlike anyone else’s, as there is no specific sexual arousal that I get from doing it.  I get an intellectual arousal but it’s not in a sexual form.  I can tell that there is a frustration there within him because of his inability to understand why I connect in the manner that I do with him.  I also think that it frustrates him that he can’t read me anywhere near as well as I can read him.

This morning I very intentionally goaded him, but in a manner that he would have no idea that I was doing it.  I wanted to see how quick his temper was and in what manner it would surface.  I knew that he would either snap and say something really hurtful or shut down and pretend that he just didn’t care.  He happened to choose the latter today and it was at that point that I pointed out that everything I was doing was intentional, explained my motives, explained why it affected him the way it did and the fact that I knew even those buttons within him.  He seemed to enjoy this.  The main difference within him at the moment is that he informed me that he was going to write a lengthy reply and then just thought “meh”.  This is a huge improvement from the knee jerked hurtful boy that he can be.  The main difference with me is that I can see when he wants a specific reaction and he’s just never going to get what he wants.  I’m never going to give into a spoiled little boy, I have far too much experience in resisting that!

Something I’ve found fascinating is the fact that domination is actually very deeply connected to everything you should be aware of when dealing with children.  All of the things you need to avoid doing in order to protect a child from hurt are all of the things you need to use to press the appropriate buttons within a sub.  If you don’t instinctively know what would cripple a child emotionally then there is no way of you ever being able to truly humiliate a submissive.  So little of it is about physical domination, although there are facets of that which i would love to explore with him.  We often discuss how we feel about the prospect of certain scenarios and how much of a blur exists between the fantasy world and reality.  I know as time is going on that his line is blurring in ways that he didn’t really think would happen.  He seemed to suspect that there was always a possibility of it happening, but I think is surprised about how willing he is to want to please me and cherish who i am.

Due to the connections becoming more obvious about emotional crippling, it has started me wondering about how much of this fetish stems from negative childhood experiences.  I’ve been aware for a long time that BDSM seems to lure damaged souls but I’m now starting to question how much of it is actually connected to childhood experience.  I’m not talking about people who dabble in it to learn about themselves or very mild bondage play, I’m referring to the people who have a deep seeded connection to the fetish; to the point that it’s their main outlet of sexuality.  My sister is drawn to being a submissive, in the deepest way, and I suspect that’s possibly down to the abuse that she experienced when she was 5 or the negative relationship she always had with mum.  My experiences in the situation, I am very aware, are connected to me making sense of the negativity I’ve experienced. This makes me wonder how many people out there are in a very similar situation.  The Doctor often refers to a childhood bully and has a very specific fetish for trainers because of it but I have a feeling that there’s a lot more to his childhood than he’s contemplated or is even aware to.

Having something that shows my social and emotional intelligence is a huge boost for me.  It’s one of those things that can’t be measured and is misunderstood, but is a lot more important in this world than people realise.  Even formulating thoughts into a readable form has to take some kind of social intelligence, as it’s giving someone the ability to see the pictures that are in your head.  Given, I’m not entirely sure I would want people to have a day in my head but being able to portray the things I do want to share is important to be clear.  Ambiguity is the one thing that causes the most trouble.  If you’re not clear in what you’re trying to put across then people will automatically read a tone into your thoughts that happens to be their overall feeling for the day.  If they’re negative then they will assume that you’re being negative and vice versa.  Some things are unavoidable and, if someone is determined enough, they will create an argument out of nothing but it does take a specific reaction to let them fight with you.  I just prefer to avoid it by taking the time to hear the possible tones in the things that I’m writing.  People very rarely misread my tone in my texts which makes me think I must do something different than  others.  I just wish I knew what!

People always see manipulation as such a negative thing when, in reality, it’s everywhere.  We are all continually manipulated to think or feel whatever the manipulators wish us to at that point.  Governments do it, advertisers do it, social prejudice does it and spin doctors wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t such a rife issue.  Manipulation isn’t the evil, not understanding the manipulation is the downfall.  Play them at their own game and you’ll come out on top eventually.  Until I’m able to do that, I’ll happily use my amazing connection with The Doctor to be the best manipulator I can be.

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