I know I need to write, to get some of these feelings out, but I’m not entirely sure where these ramblings are going to take me today. Lying here, listening to my favourite Walt Disney World online radio station (srsounds.com – if you love Disney then you’ll love this station!), I realise how sad I actually am at the moment. Now, I’m not referring to the kind of social outcast type of sadnes, more the wanting to wail into a pool of tears while eating all of the foods that my body hates but I secretly love. I am aware that my subconscious has pushed my sadness to the back because I haven’t found myself randomly bursting into tears about anything yet, but still seem to be showing signs of wallowing. Don’t get me wrong, I know what it is that’s upsetting me, I just don’t think I have the inner understanding of how to formulate all of the emotions that are swimming around inside of me.
Lately, my instincts have been throwing cravings my way that I didn’t think possible. I’ve always been a city girl, never thought that would ever change, but at the moment the thing I’d really love is a house in the suburbs with some garden space, a few extra bedrooms and a chance to finally foster children. This is almost entirely impractical, yet the thing that my instincts seem to want the most. It seems like a pretty simple kind of desire but leaving Dad goes against my mother’s dying wish and my promise to her. Also, I like that i know for a fact that he’s ok, without him feeling like I’m having to go out of my way to see him or that he’s being checked up on. At the same time, having no space, next to no privacy and a cramped lifestyle is driving me insane! This is his house, i respect that, so I tend to stay in my bedroom as much as possible. I’m sure he would love more company in the lounge but his chain smoking and seemingly endless addiction to all things crime drama make it impossible for me to do that. Maybe there’s an element of cabin fever setting in but even without that I have an overwhelming urge to just run away from everything and start again.
Things with work have got to an impossible situation and my only way forward now is to have to walk away. I have enough evidence to take them to court, should my guilt allow it, and moving on to my next phase of life is what has to happen. This is terrifying. 12 years in a place that i’ve loved with the whole of my heart and I have no option but to leave it. I have applied to college, am waiting to hear whether I will receive a place or not and money will always be a concern but I don’t think it’s the money that’s my biggest issue regarding my fear. I know I need to start again, retrain and make something of myself. I always wanted to be a mother but have now accepted that it’s unlikely that luck will shine my way and bless us with what we both truly desire. I’m surprisingly fine with that but it kinda throws into the air what I really should do with my life. Fostering is something I genuinely plan to do in the future, as my husband and I would like us to be a family (no matter what it takes to get there) but for the time that we have to stay with Dad I have to become someone first.
School was never a time that I was likely to succeed. Confidence, or my lack thereof, stood in my way at every turn and stopped me realising my potential. Being back at the place where people normally find themselves during school seems to continually draw me back into that way of thinking. I have moments where I’m completely sure of my abilities, know exactly what I’m capable of and happily agree that I can succeed at anything I put my mind to. It’s just putting my mind there that’s the difficult part. We spend so much of our lives battling insecurity and confidence because really it comes down to how much logic exists in our world. I have always been the stable and reliable person in my relationships that to put that onto my husband is just torturous. I wouldn’t say it’s a lack of trust, more an issue of guilt that I won’t be paying my way and that someone else will have to do the worrying about the continued flow of money into the house. We are fortunate that living with Dad means that our bills are relatively low but it’s a big chunk of money not to rely on any more and the prospect of getting to our happy place within the next 5 years is basically nil.
Going back to education after 18 years is also terrifying. I’m aware that I’ll be surrounded by people half my age and if I do manage to go on to University then I’ll be the first in the family to have letters after my name and a piece of paper saying that I can waffle information effectively. I’m not scared of putting the work in, it’s the whole unknown aspect that worries me. The competition to get into the field I’d like to study is incredibly steep and my previous academic record doesn’t exactly stand in my favour but it’s not from a lack of ability. Time seems very much against me and now it just feels like I’m in a battle between deciding whether to pursue what interests me or finding something quicker that I know I’d enjoy and be good at to bring money in quicker. I’ve never been a career monkey and would like to be able to raise children as my vocation in life but, until I can do that, it makes sense to ready myself to make the most money I can to make that future possible. Even if it’s worth studying something that would give me enough points to access another country so we can truly start again when that time comes. Decisions, decisions! I just wish there was a way of knowing what the most sensible move to make would be. For the time being, this gave me a chance to shed some well needed tears and know for sure that all I can do is wing it. In time my plan will just happen, no point forcing something that’s not ready to be there.