I saw a quote on my facebook wall yesterday and immediately shared it, on the poignancy of the sentiment made:
“Beginnings are usually scary and endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts.” – Sandra Bullock
To be honest, it did kinda take me aback that it was a quote from my Dad’s dearest Sandy, but the words alone were as if they were being said directly to my exceptionally frazzled soul. The chances are I may never have looked at the words, had the picture not been of one of my Dad’s favourite girlies, which only seems to add to my belief that it was the right time for me to see that.
The petrifying fear is the worst part of this entire thing for me right now. I am aware I am in the initial stages of grief while dealing with the crippling fear of the unknown but this is only a taster of what I will actually feel when the reality hits and I am on my countdown to not being allowed to work in my beloved lair any more. (On a separate note: why on earth is a recommended tag for me right now ‘Dunkin Donuts? What on earth have I possibly said that could make that a recommended tag? Obviously, I’ve had to add it now because I’m discussing it!)
I had an e-mail from a friend, which is pretty much a daily occurrence, who tried to explain to me ‘my rights’ as he believed them to be. He is originally from Holland and has lived in Ireland, so was explaining them based on his understanding from those countries. This was very sweet of him and I’m sure came from a lovely place but just wound me up to the core of my soul. I did very well to respond in as patient a way as possible, but he believed all of the things that I had once believed which turned out to be false. Whatever way we look at it, and whoever is in power, we will always be a capitalist society in this country. The issue with it being a capitalist society is that the professions that enable the capitalists to wreak their havoc and spread their arrogant smarm, are the ones that are targeted. Childcare is horrifically poorly paid and always will be, because the people who do this hugely important role are seen as subservient. You may think that the days of servants are gone but it’s just a lot more cleverly hidden these days. These ‘servants’ tend to do these jobs for the greater good and by putting themselves second. Just think to yourself: do you do your job for the money, or is there something greater you get out of it? Imagine what thought process is involved to not be financially comfortable but to know that you are doing good for the future of your world. Paying back to society in a way bigger than giving a charity some coppers to make yourself feel smug inside. People assume that the people who do this type of work are the people who wouldn’t be capable of doing something else. Ironically, it’s the people who assume this to be fact who would never be able to do those jobs based on their lack of understanding and patience. Qualities that they, as a human, lack. I am an intelligent being, an educated being, but I do this work for the greater good and fighting against the ignorami is part of that deal. It’s just a fact of life that the ignorami are the ones that are listened to. Don’t get me wrong, there will always be a huge chunk of absolute thickos doing the same job, but that can be said for any industry.
There are so many different areas of intelligence that it’s just bewildering to me that the only area measured is academic. What about emotional intelligence? Social intelligence? Common sense? You know, the things that you require to function as a full human being. Everyone knows people with a high IQ yet absolutely zero common sense, and vice versa. Maybe it’s time to start concentrating on the other intelligence out there, find a way to accurately measure and record that.
I am often told that my Grandad (who I never had the pleasure to meet, I might add) would be proud of me. My socialist upbringing, mixed with my fervently capitalist education, has allowed me to learn both sides and manipulate to any degree I am able. I am, however, also able to see the bigger picture and act from a basis of the greater good. This may occasionally be to the detriment of myself, but at least my conscience will always be clean.
People who are incapable of seeing grey areas are the scariest people to me. These are the people who have no empathy and are always chasing after money or ‘success’, no matter what it takes to get it. If my world is full of a million different shades of grey then at least I know that I’m seeing things from as many perspectives as possible. I may be shafted for it but at least I know I did everything on the understanding that my actions affect more than just me. A lot of people seem to forget this fact.
So, to go back to the quote, it has made me realise that enjoying the children as much as possible for the little time I have left with them will be my priority. To see their little subtle looks of love, their trust, their respect and to reap the benefits of the hundreds of cuddles on offer will be what makes it all worthwhile. They can try to break me, they can push me out based on a personal vendetta of bitterness but I will cherish the time I have until it is ripped from within me.
Life really is a picnic made with sandwiches of beginnings, middles and ends. Our job, if we choose to look for our purpose, is to enjoy all of those sandwich fillings as much as we can. It may not be easy, in fact, it may be excruciating but at least I can know that I got the most out of whatever I was given.