The insecurity trap

I’ve just been speaking with someone I met years ago while I was between marriages;  We text pretty much daily, actually.  He’s in a full time relationship now and I’m obviously married so the dynamics of our discussions are slightly different than the were when we knew each other before.  We were always very open and honest, I kinda expect that from people in my life, but there’s a slight difference to our underlying relationship because of the history there.  Maybe I should do a short explanation of our previous encounter.  I can’t, however, think of a name to signify I’m discussing him.  Shy boy seems fitting though!

So shy boy and I, like almost everyone I met after my first husband, met on the internet.  I’m not sure if I remember where we started talking from.  Hold on, I’ll just check.  Neither of us are entirely sure but seems to be the most logical conclusion that it was Plenty Of Fish.  I was the social networking queen and had profiles on most of the available sites out there.  There was no money for a real social life so I just settled for ones that I had online because if they wanted to hang out then it would just be a case of one of us going round to the other’s house instead of having to pay to go on dates.  It was functional for what I needed and brought some amazing people into my life.

We had been talking for a while before it became the logical conclusion for him to come round one night to hang out.  He lived reasonably close to me, in fact, he lived just down the road from my work!  You never really know from talking to someone how the dynamics are actually going to be when you’re in each other’s company.  There are little warnings of shyness or you can tell what the person themselves are like but to put the two real life dynamics together can be unpredictable.  I think in that stage of my life I was a perpetual mass of throbbing horn.  I’m sure one day I’ll understand why that was the case but am happy to just take it on face value at the moment.  Shy boy was a little bit of a lust monkey but hugely shy and insecure.  We hung out talking, which quickly led to kissing and messing around.  I wanted more but he was too shy to be able to and this led to him getting a little bit too excited in his shorts.  Although a little awkward I kinda took it as a huge compliment that I had excited someone so much that they hadn’t even got past the underwear stage.  Eventually he went home a little moist and uncomfortable but with a smile on his face.

Times changed really quickly after that and my life moved on.  We never did have an opportunity to meet again although did talk about it a few times. I’m pretty sure he blamed me for that but he did start getting a little bit clingy and needy, which worried me a little bit at the time. Through time we drifted and stopped talking, until recently.

It’s funny, you don’t realise how much time has changed you until someone from your past comes back into your life.  Both of you change, but remember who you were when you were together last.  It makes you very philosophical and generally analytical of who you were to who you are now.  Today, it has come into conversation about his current relationship and how they don’t spend much of their spare time together.  This is odd to me as everyone i have had relationships with have wanted to spend every available second with me.  Occasionally this has felt suffocating but I mostly enjoy feeling wanted and enjoyed.  I asked him why they don’t spend that much free time together and his response was that they like their space.  I enjoy  my space, i always have, but I kinda always figured that if you’re both free at the same time then spending quality time together must be what you’d expect to do.  Obviously not.  I’m aware that there’s a balance involved between time together and alone time because sometimes my husband can be overly demanding in that way but I enjoy having those chunks of time with him where we go and do something fun, like a date.  In fact, I kinda crave that when it feels like I’ve not seen him enough.

Anyway, I asked shy boy why he is like that now compared to him also being clingy and needy before.  He thinks that it must be directly related to insecurity and I believe that he’s right.  This then leads me to the next question: why do I seem to attract the insecure, obsessive and needy type?  His theory is that it must be a lust thing, since it always was for him, but I know for a fact that it’s not the reason for most.  My husband is an obvious exception to all of this because he genuinely enjoys my company and I his but the other people who obsessively have wanted to have me with them for every available second.  Best friend 3’s theory is that I feed so much into the person’s self esteem that they begin to crave it to feel good about themselves all of the time.  That’s kind of a back handed compliment really but i suppose must show that I must genuinely care if I make them feel good about themselves.  Probably should find a way to stop that for my sanity though!

I know I’ve not really said much of any real content in this post but this is the greatest way I have of trying to understand the jumble of stuff that goes on in my mind.  If that happens to help anyone else who’s musing the same subject at the same time then it would always be prudent to just post whatever is on my mind at any given time.

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