I have often found myself, over the years, becoming quite reclusive during times of emotional turmoil. I wouldn’t ever say that I’m much of a social butterfly or that I am ever extroverted in any way, just that during those times I push it all away and try to stop the noise. The noise is always there but not having the people around to ask questions makes it easier to keep under my control the topics that I wish to consciously think about. It’s probably really selfish and incredibly anti-social, but it stops people getting dragged down by my buzz kill.
Where it feels like this withdrawal is to stop thinking and distract myself, in reality, it’s actually time for my mind to make sense of the mass of information swimming around. To anyone else it would be seen as wallowing for no good reason, or general laziness, but I don’t think it’s something that I’d choose to do if I had the energy to do anything else. It’s a beautiful day outside: sunny, warm, everyone in a good mood because of this and i’m purposely holed up indoors, in my bed, with my laptop and good old srsounds for company. Even getting motivation to get up and shower seems like a struggle right now but I’ll do it eventually.
I enjoy having time to just sort my mind out. Maybe it’s a form of organising, like i do with everything else in my world all of the rest of the time but it’s just as functional as having to keep on top of paying bills. I think I’ve just realised that it’s the knowledge that if I’m here, on my own, then I won’t have to deal with the guilt or worry of affecting anyone else’s mood or world. That would make sense, I suppose. The current downfall to that is that everything that swims through my mind gets put on here to bore you with. Then again, if there’s a post that you’ve not connected with, it’s no sweat off your nose to just click it off and stop reading.
Right now, the biggest change has been that my gut has had me decide that I need to move away from the care profession altogether. I know I need to do something that I can do from anywhere in the world, because I no longer feel the need to spend the rest of my life in this country. This is something that I never once thought possible but is now something that is very much real. It feels like it’s maybe time to find out what travel and tourism is all about. It’s something that I’ve spent a lot of time planning and thinking about, over the years, that I feel my grounding is pretty solid on the subject. Oddly, once I realised that it would be sensible to move away from care, there was a little weight lifted off my shoulders. I don’t think I ever realised I have an interest in travel but it’s something that I’ve been drawn towards for years without me being aware of it.
A lot of my future I am still waiting to see what is thrown at me, probably to avoid the disappointment of planning something and it going awry. Giving myself a year to think of a solid plan is probably quite prudent so that whatever is thrown at me doesn’t set me off course too much and leaves me open to good things coming along too. Leaving openings for the good things to come along is something that I’m going to have to focus on doing because it can’t rain all of the time, right? No matter how much I may ever wallow, there will always be a part of me that will eventually see that positivity isn’t entirely gone or pointless. I will get to my happy place again, it may not be this year but I will get there. My future will be sorted out, it may be rough on the way there but it will happen. We will be a family, it may not be our own biological children but it will happen some way or other.
Keeping my hope and positivity is all I have. Maybe it’s because I get the chance to take this time out to arrange my thoughts and emotions that I get the chance to remain so optimistic, but I also recognise how fragile it actually is. It’s just a shame that more people out there don’t take that time to see the good.