Are endings ever truly real endings? Do people ever really leave your life forever? In my life there seems to be some kind of cycle where, seemingly out of the blue, a whole bunch of people will just pop back into my world for no apparent reason. The obvious exception would be people who have actually died, but that’s a very rare ending at my age. I’ve often wondered what it is that causes them all to say hi at the same time but there doesn’t seem to be any specific pattern to it for me to even begin to work it out. Is there a specific period of time that someone is out of your life that you, all of a sudden, begin to think of them again? I know that I find myself just taking it as read that people who do leave my life are never likely to have disappeared for good. I’m not sure if that’s conceited or just a case of learned behaviour.
The fact that all of the people that get into touch at the same time, even though they didn’t leave my life at the same time, makes me think that there has to be some kind of external trigger. I would understand if I had posted something on facebook and they had been secretly stalking my page to have seen it, or if I had put something on some other social networking site where I would have a public profile, but I never have. The communication can come from e-mail, text, some site or MSN messenger but more often than not if one person gets in touch I know it’s going to be the start of the influx.
This year my original ‘what if’ guy from my past popped up for the third time and that seems to have been the start of the trend. Since then I have been contacted by 2 random friends on msn, 1 on twitter, 1 through text, 1 through e-mail and another through another site. All people that I have a history with and all randomly checking to see how I am. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy them popping back into my life, I always have enjoyed it but it just makes me wonder why they all randomly crop up at the same time.
There seems to be a cycle: 1) initial contact in whatever form it comes, 2) am i still married? (it’s only been 4 years! How quickly do they think things are ever likely to go tits up? If ever!), 3) how is my life treating me? 4) am I happy? 5) catching up with the lost time, 6) automatic flirtation creeps in, 7) things start to get dangerous, 8) things stop based on the decision of one or other of us or things just taper off into nothingness. The strange thing is that things always seem to be exactly the same as they were when we were originally in each other’s lives. Nothing is strained or difficult or even complicated, just always like old times. There’s something intoxicating about things that remind you of the good times. Those rose-tinted spectacles seem to be super functioning when dealing with people. You realise after a chunk of time that nobody actually said or did anything to make the relationship break down, it was just circumstantial as to what happened.
This must be the problem with lacking closure. If you don’t have closure then you never stop thinking, at times, about the people who were important to you. It can take everything or nothing to spark a memory or a good time with someone and then those curiosities spark into action. I just specifically want to know what it is that causes the spark in others regarding me! Is there a way of getting closure without things ending badly? Is it just natural that people from your past will pop up continually through your life? In the end, it just comes down to the inner strength of not giving in to temptation, but is that really something that can remain true through thick and thin? I’m quite good at saying no, on the basis that my life can be quite busy and stressful but there are times where all I need are the reassurances, the comfort, the need to feel sexy in a way that I never could feel at home, the ability to fuck the pain away and relive a closeness that time forgot. Everyone that has been in my life I have felt close to in some capacity or other, with the exception of one person, and that closeness doesn’t just die. Closeness may dissipate through time but it never truly goes away.
In my past experience, whether it ends in sex or not seems to be irrelevant; There is the same outcome regardless of the details. More often than not the sexual attraction is discussed and agreed is still there but it doesn’t seem to be the only reason for the contact. If I thought it was just that then I’d get bored quickly but these are people who seem to genuinely want more than just a quick fling. I know regret has been discussed with a couple of people that things never went further than they did and it’s maybe because of that which makes them check to see if the chance is still there. If that is the case, I really should take it as the compliment it is! If not, then I’ll continue to question it until I try to get an inkling of understanding.