The little things have always been the most important in my world. Those smiles that make your heart melt, those words that come out of nowhere and mean everything, that laugh that creeps up on you unexpectedly and those people who effortlessly make the bad things go away. We are all surrounded by the positive yet so many people only see the negative. They see something bad happen to someone else and immediately think that something must be related to them, therefore they must just have the “worst luck”. Are we just a world of narcissists these days?
With the workload and stress levels continuously rising at work, I have found myself caring less and less about how much work I’m giving myself by taking that bit of time out to enjoy the things that I love about my job. The children are openly enjoying having me around them to get the cuddles that they so crave and the smiles that I love to give. My whiteboard is filled with cute little drawings of children, by children, along with me in different places for them to leave their mark on my world. It crushes me inside to think that it will be ripped away from me but has become obvious that the most important thing is to just enjoy what I have, while I have it. The hardest part is the children of the people who are treating me so badly being the ones who are spending the most time with me, loving me with all of their heart. To know that I have given no indication of any troubles in my world to the people who don’t deserve to be burdened with it is a relief. The children are the most important thing in all of this and I would sacrifice all but my morals to maintain that.
There are now so many elements that I have no way of controlling in my life, that all I am left able to do is sit back and just roll with the punches that keep on coming. It has brought me the gift of awareness that my grasp of the English language is better than I realised and the chance to take a step back to remember all of the things I love in my life. I enjoy that I don’t allow people to manipulate me and have found joy in exploring the side of me that does enjoy taking control.
I find that the major issue with looking for the positive is that it makes it so difficult to deal with people who only look to the negative. My patience and tolerance have taken a beating recently and I now find myself seriously lacking in both of those qualities, by my standards. Where I may have limitless patience in certain aspects, for people who should know better i have none. This could just be a positive hiding in a negative again, that I am stronger willed than I was before, but for my will to be tested so continuously is just exhausting! My standards are dropping because I no longer see the point in striving for perfection when the basics aren’t even appreciated but my perfectionist personality still struggles with it.
My home life is something that gives me moments of gratitude every single day. My husband really is the most supportive person I could ever ask for. I know he trusts my judgements and knows that whatever happens I’ll do what I can to keep us afloat to give us the best possible opportunities. One thing that he keeps telling me that he never takes for granted is the fact that I never tend to mind if he looks at other girls. I will maybe have an issue if we’re mid conversation and all of a sudden his tongue is hanging out but other than that looking is just that. I’m not threatened by it and can’t actually understand when people are. If someone is going to be with me, i’d much rather it was through choice than necessity. This must be the reason that I never take for granted the fact that I’m allowed to have close friendships with other people. He knows how often I am talking to my friends and understands that a lot of conversations could be misconstrued if read out of context so gives me my privacy to do just that. I give him the same respect when he talks to people too, maybe it’s chosen ignorance to a degree. Everyone’s idea of respect and their expectation of what being in a relationship means varies widely. I have found that it seems to be one of those topics where people seem to think that they have the right to dictate to others how they should conduct themselves based on how they would conduct themselves. What makes people think that this is appropriate? Why do any of us think judgement is right in one way but not another? So many questions!
Every time I start writing I find that I have no specific topic that I want to write about but know that it’s going to make me realise what it is that’s plaguing me at the moment. I enjoy thinking, I enjoy theorising and I enjoy making sense of the noise in my head. I just wish I had more time to do it. Ironically I may be given that time at any moment but I’m pretty sure I won’t be grateful for it when it does happen. So, the thing I’ve realised the most today is that you need to take a step back and think of the bigger picture when you wish for something. When you do that you’ll see the things that are important to you and no doubt the most important will be the smallest. Just take the time to prioritise them and be grateful for the millions of good things you do have instead of only focusing on what you don’t.