I just got a text from my husband. This man is 41 years old and still seems to be incapable of using the word ‘sex’. How can this be possible? It got me thinking about how many people in our society who have issues talking or even thinking about everyday things. Take masturbation, for example, how many people do you know who actually openly discuss it? Sex seems to be a little easier to discuss but, even at that, it’s not very open and certainly rarely honest. I enjoy talking frankly about sex and sexuality, to the point of people thinking i’m brimming with confidence in myself. I’m not, of course I’m not, I just see no point in keeping things to yourself that you can only benefit from sharing with others. I’m not talking about people who talk about sex in order to ‘get off’ on it, just the people who like to share experiences and ask questions.
Considering my parents were very prudish while I was growing up, especially my Mum, both my sister and I have grown up perfectly comfortable talking about the subject with others. Now that it’s just my Dad I realise that he has always been very open about sex but, because of Mum, it was never a subject that was brought up with either of them. I do remember once asking him a question when I was 15 just to see his reaction but was not specifically talking about sex as a subject. I asked him what he would do if I came home pregnant at 15. I did enjoy his response as he immediately went into protective dad mode but just after that he started asking for clarification. ” Was this a long term boyfriend?” No, let’s say one night stand. ” Was protection used?” Yes, let’s say the condom split. “Well then he must be an idiot if he can’t even put a condom on properly”. I think he was just happy to write whoever did this fantastical thing to his little girl off for any reason he could find. Fascinatingly though at no point did my Dad ask if this line of questioning was any kind of reflection on real life. I think he was fine talking about theoretical situations but just didn’t want to know if there was any connection to reality. Given, I was sexually active but there was no hint of pregnancy. I was just curious.
My sister is blunt when it comes to discussing sex, as am I, but she seems to lack the socially appropriate cut off with the way she discusses it. She seems to automatically make it feel smutty and slightly sleazy when she ‘jokes‘ about it. I’m sure to her it just seems flirtatious but I have been publicly humiliated by her on many an occasion. Anyone who uses the joke “the family that plays together, stays together” on a semi-regular basis has to have some kind of problem! I mean, really, who jokes about blowjobs with complete strangers? Anyway, my point is that she is the absolute extreme opposite when discussing sex. Is it possible for there to be a middle ground? Share openly, talk bluntly and enjoy the subject without it turning to sleaze. I think that’s mostly what I aim for.
Growing up, my best friend was the epitome of prudish. It’s amazing really considering I was her best friend! As she’s got older she’s found it a little easier to talk about the subject but you can still see that things make her slightly uncomfortable as a topic. My other 2 best friends are like me when discussing sex. Possibly one of our favourite topics of conversation, especially if one of us has a dilemma of sorts. Speaking of which, how accurate are the dynamics of the friendships in ‘sex and the city‘? Are friendships like those prevalent in society or is it what people aspire to be able to do? Why is there such a level of insecurity when talking about the subject?
My husband has problems using a lot of words but will hint at a thing. How on earth can it be easier to hint at something than to say the single word outright? Especially since it means exactly the same thing! The only word he really has for my bits is my ‘hoo hoo’ and that’s only because he can use a sound instead of an actual word. This man can openly share conversation about poo, watch or discuss anything to do with a period, trim my bush when it gets annoyingly long, embrace nakedness and talk about previous sexual conquests but finds it impossible to ask for sex. All of this seems like a gigantor contradiction in personality. There must be a reason. I mean, he’s been an absolute man-whore in his time and has almost definitely slept with way more people than me yet has a very childlike embarrassment about the topic.
Is it not the case that things these days are a lot more open and equal than they once were? Are women not eternally being commented on for being more like the traditional male role than they were before? Particularly where sex is involved. It is more socially appropriate for a female to know and expect what they want from a sexual encounter or partner, so why is it not more socially appropriate for the topic to be raised amongst friends?
I would love to work in sex education for both pre teens and teens. There is no way that the education that 10 year olds get would ever be as honest or involved as they could be with a 14 year old and then a 16 year old. So many people fail to realise how important knowledge is. I’ll admit that I was young when I lost my virginity but, even to this day, I have never thought that I was too young. I was genuinely curious, I wanted to know what it was all about so found out for myself. My school had no sex education whatsoever (apart from your usual high school biology lessons) until we were 16 and they brought us all in for an ‘AIDS seminar’. We went from having no formal knowledge whatsoever to being taught how to put a condom on with our mouths! Please don’t get me wrong, finding ways to make putting on a condom fun is a genius piece of advice but there really has to be some background put in before you’re put in that place. I just remember everyone feeling ridiculously embarrassed and insecure while discussing with a 40 year old the fact that she enjoyed lemon curd as a lubricant! In retrospect, her showing how little embarrassment she had was an amazing thing and I seem to have turned out quite similar in opinion but as a child in that situation it just seemed to encourage embarrassment. After that day nothing was ever mentioned again within our school on the subject. This is why I never understand the idiocy involved in abstinence-only ‘education’. It’s blatant brainwashing and goes against every human instinct that we have.
Sex is one of the fundamental things for a human; Without it we are always seeming to lack something. It is beneficial to mind, body and soul so why should that be seen as any kind of taboo? To me, it’s pointless. My husband and I have both noticed that if we go too long without that connection then things automatically seem to break down. We can see it and fix it but his lack of understanding with his own personal wants or needs, based on his shying away from the subject, can cause serious problems. I’m not going to get into the moral implications of the mind/body requiring it and it being sought elsewhere, but maybe the reason people do get into that trap is because it’s a subject that doesn’t seem to be able to be openly discussed. I have been known to have to force the subject and make him ride his embarrassment just to get to the crux of the problem, but things always get better after they’re acknowledged.
So come on, people, take that step back and think of how much better your life would be if you were truly honest about that embarrassment. The world will not collapse, the walls of Jericho will not come crashing down upon you, the chances are you’ll have done something in your life that means you’d be going to hell anyway (if that so be your belief system) and the worst that will happen is that you learn you’ve not put enough effort in! Change that, put the effort in, make your partner feel wanted and sexy so that maybe, in return, you’ll feel the same way.