It’s been ages since I’ve blogged. I think about it often and I’ve missed the cleansing I feel from it, but I have just been so exhausted that finding the time to put my events into words has just been non-existent. It’s been really nice to see that even though I’ve not been writing anything recently that people still choose to read my ramblings. Finding the words to express the compliment I get from that is something that I seem to find impossible, no matter how hard I try. Just to say, it’s a confidence boost that I didn’t ever think I would get.
The last couple of weeks have been pretty crazy in my world. If you’ve ever read my early ramblings, you’ll be aware of my bunny boiling obsession with my very own Banana. When things had got difficult, I made the decision to be the bigger person and just back off. I left the channels open but when the main one was shut for me (outwith my control) I’ll admit that I slightly panicked. That was maybe a month ago now. I knew my phone number wasn’t likely to change, so the chance to contact me would always be available, but texting someone is always more difficult out of the blue than a message on a site.
When things did end, I made a very strict decision with myself that it made more sense to flush him out of my life completely and not let myself think about him at all. The only way I could think of doing that (apart from utilising the distractions that come with my work at this time of year anyway) was to avoid masturbating for a couple of weeks. It was pretty effortless, strangely, and my conscious thoughts of him near enough disappeared. The bonus was that the first time I did partake in a little bit of alone time he didn’t even enter into my mind. That was it, I thought, he was flushed. I found I could talk about him easily, I could be reminded of him by things without my stomach going into knots or any sadness hanging around and life was pretty unaffected by him at all. Knowing all of this, the way that my mind chose to take me next is an absolute mystery!
Picture it: a typical thursday, heading to work, quite a sunny day, cake to take into work for the kids to celebrate the end of school, songs playing loudly in my car, me singing along and feeling pretty good that day. No sadness hanging over me, no anger, no remorse and not even a day where I was particularly craving my happy place. All of a sudden I had this unwavering compulsion to text Mr. B! Why on earth would that happen? Not only that, but making the decision to actually do what the compulsion was saying is another mystery. The message itself was just a comment that even after 2 months I hadn’t managed to flush him as successfully as i would have liked. No question of how he was or that I expected any kind of response, just that he pops into my mind now and then. I genuinely didn’t think for a second that he would even consider replying so put it to the back of my mind almost immediately. There were maybe 2 or 3 times that day where I checked my phone on the off chance that he had replied but knew there would be nothing. Actually, every time there was nothing, I kinda felt an element of relief about that!
My day had been productive and I was pretty ready for the craziness that was going to be my work the next day when the text came in. I immediately started shaking. The butterflies in my stomach were more like bats, based on the severity of the movement in my stomach and I panicked. There was no controversy in the reply, just a simple “Thanks for your message. How are you doing?”. He wasn’t meant to text back so had no idea what to say other than “ok, well that’s a shock, I honestly never expected a reply from you”. No mention of what had happened the 2 months previously and everything was light hearted and fun. Our banter was still there and the sexual tension was stronger than ever. A crazy mind fuck! What on earth was i thinking?! I immediately texted best friend 3 to announce that i had done something stupid as I hadn’t chosen to tell anyone at all that I had actually texted him in the first place. I knew it was stupid! She was tipsy so didn’t give me the disappointment that I needed to hear. This felt like an actual encouragement since anything would have been interpreted that way at that point. Photos were exchanged and it was at that point that I realised just how physically attracted I’ve always been to him. There’s a huge part of me that hopes that’s all the attraction is, although it’s guaranteed to be more than that, it’s just easier to not analyse anything too much since it only gets you into trouble.
There were a couple of cute moments in with the sexual tension (from him) and there was a huge part of me that was cynical about it. I was grateful for that! My defenses were all set to try and make sure I didn’t get stupidly attached to him again but I knew that there was a part of me that all too easy would bring back the bunny boiler again. There was the return of the test story to try and judge my reaction again but this time I’m not sure what he expected my reaction to be as I was kinda involved in the story without having been aware of it at the time. I reacted honestly and the conversation ended for the evening. Mind. Blown.
As my manners have always dictated I felt the need to comment on the conversation the day after, but this time my expectation of no reply was accurate. Until the monday, that is. He texted me again that night and things were slightly more strained. I honestly wanted to know what was going on in his head so I asked if he thought we would ever be capable of being purely sexual together to which the result was an agreement that we would have no idea what we would be capable of unless we were in that situation. Then he I added “I would be happy with any relationship you wanted”. I mean, what the actual fuck? What idiocy is that? He suggested that we try phone sex but I know that hearing his voice does strange things to me so I’m kinda avoiding that at the moment. He does, however, class it as “progress”. Yeah, right. I mean, really, even with it on a plate in a no strings manner he’s still using the word relationship? The whole thing makes no sense to me.
I genuinely think that a lot of our issue is the fact that we have unfinished business and that it’s, in the majority, unclaimed sexual tension but there’s also that element of the unknown where it could be this hugely deep connection. If I’m honest with myself it scares the shit out of me but it seems to be something that I seem to find impossible to write off. To have had the feelings that I have had for this man and to be more turned on by him than I have ever been by anyone it seems impossible to just write off without a thought.
My life is filled with people I appreciate and love having in my life so why on earth would I be drawn to someone who messes with my mind more than anyone else ever should be given permission to do? I am grateful for the amazing people I have in my world and count my blessings every single day. I don’t have nearly enough time to see everyone that I would love to spend time with but they know that I love them and enjoy their company when I do get the gift of time. I try my hardest to purely concentrate on them but for some inexplicable reason my mind gets drawn back to Mr.B. Maybe something will happen to get the closure that’s required or we’ll end up in this mind game forever, dropping in and out of each other’s lives on occasion. Time will tell, I’m sure.