A question of sex: the oral chronicles

I’ve just read a blog entry that was posted on the thought catalogue about how long is too long where blow jobs are concerned.  It was awesome, very well written and made me think A LOT!  I often ponder sex: my experiences, the differences between partners, how people react differently to others and whether your techniques are different depending on who you are with or how long you are with them.  I love talking about sex!  There are so many people who don’t seem to be able to effectively talk about the subject without it turning into smut, as i’ve mentioned before, but when you find someone who is just as fascinated about the subject as you are then the conversation can be outstanding!  Realistically, the rest of this entry is likely to be the equivalent of a one sided conversation on the subject so we’ll see how it goes.  Lets categorise, shall we?


Since it’s fresh in my mind, thought it was best to begin with that one.  Now, I should make it clear that I’m not a standard test subject on this matter (based on horrific incidents when I was young) but can still share enough experience to count my opinion, I’d say.  Psychos aside, the question still remains:  how long is an acceptable duration to be expected to perform fellatio?  There are the added bonus questions:  is it something that would be preferred over sex?  Is it something that should predominantly be used as foreplay?  Should they always be expected to be the main attraction?  The final, main question being: spit or swallow, does it really make that much of a difference?  Now please, feel free to chip in at any point while you’re reading to either clarify something or to share your opinion/experiences, I’d love to hear what you think.

I’d say in the past, the average time for me to have had to perform oral sex would probably be around the 10-15 minute mark, the timing could vary wildly from 1 minute to 1 hour.  The ones that were particularly short were either foreplay or ridiculously turned on guys and the long ones either were “savouring the moment” or had already cum so many times that it would have been impossible any way that was tried!   My husband did have the privilege revoked when he fell asleep a couple of times and also informed me that i “didn’t use my teeth enough”!  I mean, what the actual fuck?  My teeth?  Growing up, that’s the thing that you are informed is the cardinal sin when heading south on the beanpole, so for it to be requested was the biggest mind fuck ever!  I can’t do teeth, sorry, all I have is visions of spurting blood caused by a ripped foreskin!  Ain’t gonna happen buddy.  There was also the fact that the taste of stale urine is something that nobody should ever be subjected to!  If you’re not going to keep your nethers odourless and choose to trap your piss in the foreskin when you’ve finished peeing then please don’t expect someone’s mouth to have to explore it.  I am actually nauseated at the prospect now, Damn!  Strangely, now that it’s something I can rarely bring myself to do with him based on the paranoia, it’s something he often requests.  Why, if at the beginning it wasn’t “rough” enough, does he suddenly think it’s the greatest thing ever when I do give him a treat?

My favourite blowjob experiences are either the ones where the guy gets very close to orgasm, very quickly, but stops himself because he’s not ready to finish yet or the ones where it’s announced “i’ve got to be inside you right now” (usually said after grabbing your face and saying it directly into your eyes – so sexy!).  Both are indicative of you doing a good job, if you can pardon the pun, as far as I’ve been informed anyway.  Although I totally enjoy the compliment, my slightly less favoured statement is “oh my god, that’s amazing, I could have you do that to me all day”.  I mean really, all day?  Can you imagine having to keep that much muscle control for an entire day? Yes, it absolutely is a compliment, it is meant as encouragement that what you are doing is pleasurable but the thing that just keeps going round my head is ‘you’re just never going to let yourself cum, are you?’

I’d say my preferred use of oral sex would be as foreplay; fluffing, if you will.  There is nothing nice about salty chlorine but, in reality, that’s what the flavour tends to be!  Well, that’s with the exception of the people who obviously have an horrifically poor diet and their semen just tastes foul!  If you’re not willing to taste your own, then you really shouldn’t be expecting someone else to!  The same as people who aren’t even willing to kiss you after they’ve ejaculated into your mouth.  I mean, really?  I actively enjoy tasting myself from someone’s mouth after they have gone down on me, I actually find it arousing, so the same should be open the other way around.  I suppose my preference for the ejaculation to happen inside me is more based on my primal instinct of procreation causing the experience to feel more intimate but there will always be an element of the preference being based on the slight awkwardness involved in the swallowing process!

I suppose this leads us nicely onto the spit or swallow debate.  Realistically, if the guy has already cum in your mouth is there really any point in spitting it out?  The taste is going to be there anyway and you’re going to have the really embarrassing moment of having to clean it up after.  In general, I like to have a warning if the shot’s about to be fired but that’s so I can make the decision at that precise time whether I’m going to be into it enough to be able to take it in my mouth without gagging.  There have been guys who have given the warning in a kind of ‘ok, i’m expecting you to pull your head away and finish me with your hand’ sentiment but those are the ones that seem to make me want to surprise them and just let them finish where they are.  For some reason or other it usually means more to them if you do; probably because they don’t expect it.  Then there are the guys who will tell you that it’s going to happen purely on the basis of making sure that you’re not going to go anywhere!  You know the ones, the ‘get ready, here it comes’ (while firmly holding your head in place) kinda guys.  The final ones are the ones who want to watch it happen.  They still want it to happen in your mouth but more in an over your tongue and dripping down your chin kinda way; full on porn style.  They’re the ones who actually believe that someone would want to purposely lick congealed cum off themselves.  If you are that person then no, just no.  If you are the person who lets them believe that’s what you want to do then you’re just making things awkward for both of you in the long run!

Oral Sex

Now, I know that ‘oral sex’ actually covers both the male and female varieties but i didn’t want to make the headings ‘fellatio and cunnilingus’ as it just looked a little bit too cringworthy!  There were many other things I probably could have called it but you always run the risk of offending by making a title ‘muff diving‘ or ‘rug munching’ so thought it best to err on the side of caution with that one.

I suppose it’s selfish, but I am a huge fan of receiving oral.  I am unable to cum through penetration as my g-spot causes me to squirt rather than orgasm (no, the squirting is not an orgasm!) so the only options I have for orgasm are based on clitoral stimulation.  Fingers can go so wrong, since I am ridiculously sensitive, so the safest way to get me to cum is by heading south.  Personally, a nice ice cream tongue is the perfect way to do it.  A wide, flat surface doing pressured but gentle movements.  No sucking, no nibbling and certainly no biting!  If there could be a couple of fingers incorporated at the same time then you’re talking ecstasy but can cum effectively without it.  I can’t, however, cum at all without my nipples being stimulated.  It’s strange and i’ve no idea how I ended up discovering that but it just seems to take me forever if my nipples aren’t touched (usually by me!).  I figured it best to clarify my preferences before even attempting to discuss the topic.

Often there are times that I wonder what other people seem to prefer as there have been so many guys who seem to instinctively use the pointy tongue.  Do most girls seem to prefer that?  I would think that would make for a more difficult experience for the person performing it since you’d have to keep your tongue hard and pushed out, rather than the instinctive licking motion.  I, personally, see no point in the tongue fucking part.  Think about it, how long is anyone’s tongue?  Is there any way that you would ever feel like you were actually being penetrated by someone’s mouth?  Is that another pointless porn thing?  Is there an actual fetish for that?  Also, people who make a point of licking their fingers noisily while they are down there.  Is that meant to be a compliment?  Is it aimed at being arousing?  Maybe it’s my dislike of noisy eating but I personally don’t find scooping out fluids to lick them off your fingers overtly, arousing.  I may, however, enjoy it if someone has had their finger inside of me and put it in my mouth while making eye contact.  No idea why I would enjoy that but the connection can be intense with that one.

Years ago I had a girlfriend and my insecurity made my shy away from attempting oral more than once with her.  I enjoy the smell, i enjoy the taste but was so young at the time that technique was non-existent.  I had never experienced an orgasm of my own so had no way of actually managing to create it in another female!  I think I’d like to try it now that I’m older and know what I like, just to see if my preferences are easily adapted to others.  Do any straight guys ever wonder if they would consider trying performing a blow job to see if their preferences mesh well with others?  I suspect that even straight girls would consider if they could effectively bring on an orgasm in another female.

Tongue Piercings

Both my husband and I have our tongues pierced.  I would like to state now that neither of us actually got them done on the basis of improving oral sex technique and already had our piercings before we met.  People in my life have experienced the before and after piercing comparisons of blowjobs and have said that it’s only a very subtle difference, not really something you’d class as an improvement.  There is a common misconception that everyone who has their tongue pierced obviously must then have an addiction to giving blowjobs.  How ridiculous is that?  I don’t think I ever once have felt my husband’s piercing on my lady garden and he’s been down there fairly regularly for our entire relationship.

Through all of the time I’ve spent talking to people online, if they see my photo then the chances are that they will either have: a smutty thought that they make verbal, genuine curiosity which spurs various questions or find some way of getting my tongue into the conversation.  It seems to be something that people find fascinating but I wonder how much of that is social conditioning.  True romance has a lot to answer for!

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