When i was 14, I had a whole collection of penpals that I obtained from a Rock magazine. Music was my life then and I was pretty much the only ‘rock chick’ in my year at school, so I required communication with like minded souls who I had no access to in my everyday life. It was before the days where everyone had a PC in their house, so before the whole internet phenomenon. This was how people communicated with others from lives that you wouldn’t normally have had access to. Letters would be written (by hand, no less!), effort was put into the way they looked and the cuteness of the format, stamps were bought, envelopes sealed, walked down to the post box and then posted. These were days where all you had was time, nothing was instant and that now makes me realise that because things took time we had more of it available to us. Things have got so immediate that everyone expects something from everyone and they expect that thing NOW! Exhausting really, if you actually think about it.
I was very close to 2 of my penpals over all of the others. In total I think I had maybe 14 people that I would talk to on a regular basis but these 2 became especially special to me, for very different reasons. The first was Cooper. He was 2 years older than me and I had literally no idea what he looked like but we got so close that we decided that we wanted to meet. His world was 4 hours or 180 miles away from mine but he travelled up all of that way for my birthday. When you’re a teenager, that’s a pretty huge deal! As it turned out I ended up losing my virginity to him that night. He was so sweet, so caring, so affectionate and looked after me beautifully but having no privacy was an interesting aspect since it was at my birthday party! As it turned out, 2 of my closest friends at the time had stood guard at the door to stop anyone barging in. I wonder if they had still just stood guard if they had known what was actually going on behind that door! Anyway, Coooper and I continued to write ridiculously squishy love letters to each other for a few months after that but both of us were needing to get on with our own lives, so we just kinda fizzled out. He found himself someone and I was truly happy for him since I hadn’t exactly felt like we were in a commitment of any particular sort. Maybe that set my pattern of how my emotions connect to real life in my sexual relationships. He was exactly what I needed, when I needed it, and I will never regret having lost my virginity to him or under those circumstances. I wanted to know what sex was all about and he introduced me to it in a time that felt right to me and treated me beautifully.
Mr.V was my other special connection. In a lot of ways the connection we had was way deeper than anything I had with Cooper. In retrospect, considering the way things turned out, it’s amazing to me that we were as innocent with each other as we were. We shared absolutely everything in our worlds with each other and wrote back the day a letter was received. Our letters were sometimes so long that they would be 5 double sided A4 pages and these would happen fairly regularly. We shared all of our teenage angst, the trials and tribulations of our worlds at the time and found that we had a connection unlike any other. The love was unquestionable. We didn’t even have to ever use the word Love to know that we both felt it for each other but never wanted anything to ruin the bond that we had. We swapped photos and his was up, in a frame, next to my bed. Now that I’ve put that in writing, I don’t think I’ve ever told him that; maybe i should!
He came up to visit me the first time and stayed for a weekend. My sister was away on holiday with her husband and I was looking after her flat, so we had somewhere to hang out together without my parents having to be any the wiser. He got the bus all the way up from Birmingham and I went to get him from the station. I remember being so nervous that I had to bring Best Friend 1 with me so that I didn’t burst into tears! My memory’s not completely clear but I think he was only there for 1 night. It may have been 2 but only 1 sticks in my mind. Ohwait, now I remember, I had friends over on the first night and we hung out so he was definitely there for 2 nights. I wanted to show him the club that I went to frequently (yes, at 15!) and we went there to dance. While we were at the club I started to feel a little ill so we came home and best friend 1 went to bed. It was a 1 bedroomed flat so that left us sitting up in the lounge. He was getting the bus to go home early in the morning, so we had decided that we were going to stay up through the night and make the most of every second we had left. Thinking back, that’s a completely romantic and touching thing to do but it didn’t really occur to us that it was anything other than the thing best friends would do. He sat on the couch at one end and I lay with my head in his lap. We were in that position for hours with him just stroking my hair away from my face and talking. It’s one of the strongest memories I have from my entire life. I remember thinking that it was amazing that those gigantic hands were so gentle with me and I just felt so much love. We never kissed but have since found out that both of us had definitely been thinking about it. If one of our eyelids became heavy, the other would give a shake or tell them off. We were going to savour that night and most importantly that moment. And savour we did! He got on the bus back to Birmingham and I cried all of the way home. I was heartbroken that I wouldn’t get to touch him for the longest time.
There was one occasion where I went to stay with him for a weekend, without telling my parents where I was. According to my parents, I was at a music festival with my Sister and her husband. He lived with his girlfriend and a couple other flatmates at the time and it was really nice to step into his world for a while but we never really had any time just hanging out together other than going into the town centre and him showing me his world. I craved having the time to just relax into each other and didn’t really like that I wasn’t able to have much physical contact with him as I didn’t want his girlfriend having to feel any kind of jealousy but I was grateful that I was able to be with him in person. The main problem was when I was meant to be going home, we happened to miss the train. Getting on the train was just as heart breaking as when I had seen him on the bus all of those months ago and I cried for quite a bit of the journey. When you’re meant to be somewhere else and can’t even be home at the right time, you know there’s going to be trouble! Considering I was 15 at the time and my parents had no idea this guy existed, let alone who he was, having to come clean from a train station took a hell of a lot of guts. I was grounded and I didn’t complain, it was justified but oh so worth it!
A few months later, I had moved in with my sister and he came to visit for a whole week. I thought all of my christmases had come at once! I was going to get a week with my kindred spirit, in my environment and had a double bed for us to share so we could talk through the night as often as we wanted. Not that things turned out like that though. Mr V spent the entire time really uncomfortable at the idea of sharing a bed with me. I had absolutely no idea at the time because we were best friends, shared everything and were obviously very close. In retrospect, being as ‘gifted’ as he is in the trouser region may well have been a fear of waking up pushing a lump into my hip but I really don’t think that would have been too much of a problem. He chose to sleep with his trousers on until I started to get uncomfortable about him being so uncomfortable and asked if he wanted to sleep on the couch. He did. We went out clubbing with a group of my friends to the club that we’d been to the year before and none of my friends would believe that we hadn’t been fucking like bunnies the entire time. The comfort level between the 2 of us was always unlike any other and I would think nothing of sitting on his lap, facing him. I never sit on anyone’s lap! He got to the bus in time and home he went. I wasn’t as upset as I had been the previous 2 times but still had an empty hole inside.
Over the years we drifted apart, life got in the way and went for years without being able to contact each other. There were a couple of occasions that we tracked the other down and had some contact but nothing regular like we had when we were young. We both got married at about the same time and were able to share it with each other. We weren’t really in contact when my first marriage broke down but regular contact resumed not long after I married my current husband. Since then we have swapped numbers and text each other regularly, every day sometimes. The strange thing is that recently we have become a lot more open about our attraction to each other. I knew when i was a teenager that there was an attraction but never assumed for a minute that it was mutual. We were kindred spirits and that was as far as I ever thought it would go.
Mr V is a kinky bugger and enjoys splosh as a fetish. If you’re not aware of splosh you’re probably best to google it. As a minimal introduction, wearing a cheesecake down his pants for a day would be heaven to him! I’ve known about this side of him since he was a teenager and once was told of secret notes that he’d leave me under the stamps of my envelopes. I never kept my envelopes so had no idea they were there but the one secret note I did get was telling me that he wanted to suck my toes. Oh how I wish I had found the others! Over the years he has asked me a few times if I’d be willing to be his splosh victim and have him cover me in food. I’ve always been willing (as long as I get vanilla attention in return, which is apparently a given, and a shower!) and am fully believing that one day I will be but our honesty about our attraction to each other seems to be getting greater. We seem to now be at a stage where he feels comfortable enough to randomly text me to ask what I’m wearing! I may also have been guilty on occasion of randomly sending him photos of my feet. Oh how he likes feet! The regret at not having shared this side of ourselves with each other when we were young is huge now and sharing that closeness with him is something I deeply crave but it feels like we’re building to something. I just wish I knew what!