Sandman 2013

So, here we are, part 3 of the ‘will they/won’t they?’ of my life.  Actually, this part is split into 2 little sections but are just as important as the previous stages of our story.  This begins by going back to the very start of the year.  I had just had my last surgery and was in bed, yet again.  Christmas and New Year had been and I was due to be off work for a few weeks to let the wound heal and my leg to recover.  Things were healing way better than any of us could have anticipated so things were feeling pretty positive at the time.  Out of the blue, a familiar e-mail address popped up in my inbox with a random “hello”.  My heart just stopped and I panicked.  It was almost as if I went into automatic pilot when I replied, as if it was going to be time sensitive for me to respond or he’d disappear again.  Before I knew it, I was texting Best friend 1 a panicky “help” as if I hadn’t already responded.  She always loves a little bit of gossip so just reassured me that wanting to communicate was totally normal and understandable so I should totally do it!

4 years had passed since we had spoken last and it felt like I’d lived through an entire lifetime with the amount of stuff that had gone on in my life in that time.  We had a lot of information to swap and it was almost like catching up with an old friend.  In a lot of ways it was exactly that, but there was a lot more to it.  There was a huge part of me that knew there was always going to be a time where he would pop back up but it’s just one of those things that takes you by surprise when it actually does happen.

Once we had started talking, it became routine incredibly quickly and my life seemed a brighter place to be.  My life is always a brighter place when we’re in contact and it seems to be reciprocal.  As always, we became very honest and open almost immediately and spoke about everything that we’d thought and felt the last time we were in contact.  For the first time we had truly acknowledged the fact that we had a cycle.  Start talking, fall ridiculously in love, spend time together, need to spend more time together, feel the need to make the decision as to whether we are going to change our lives and spend it together then one of us backs off to avoid any hurt.  The fact that we’d discussed the cycle made it feel all the more imminent and scary.

E-mails were swapped almost every night and we spoke about everything.  The love was there, just as strongly as it had ever been before, and it still felt the same as if no time had passed since we met those 14 years ago.  There were discussions about the conclusions that had been reached the last time we were together, although it was not the reason contact was made this time round.  Nothing had changed in his world and I had experienced the usual ups and downs of a relationship.  It just seemed to be the curiosity that had got too much after the usual thoughts and to touch base again.   The more we talked about it happening, the quicker we got to the point of realising that at some point it would be likely that we’d be wanting to make a decision and  came to the conclusion that spending time together was a bad idea.  It was agreed that spending time together would absolutely lead to us getting carried away and neither of us wanted to get to that point, so the only option seemed to be to step back before it happened.  The agreement was there that we would always be in each other’s lives, and if we ever needed anything we could always ask, just not necessarily as much contact as we were having at that time.

The want and the need were there to spend time together.  We knew that the chemistry was there just as strongly as it ever had been and it wasn’t from lack of want that we never spent time together.  Part of it was the fact that it wasn’t as simple as it had been the last time we’d been in contact but mostly this time it was not wanting to put each other into a horrible situation.  It’s never been about sex but the craving for the physical intimacy is so huge because the feelings attached are so strong.  Hey, at least we proved that we could be in contact without it reaching that point but it doesn’t mean that it was easy.

My world was a bit of a turbulent place once my Sandman had slipped into the shadows again and I know that I missed just having him in my life.  There was a big void left and I ended up chatting to try and fill that.  A stupid idea but at least now I realise that it was because I missed him and tried to distract myself from it.

I tried to carry on the rest of the year in the same way that I had in all of the other times that I’d not had him around, but the thoughts were there stronger than ever and missing him plagued me.  In the past I was always able to just accept that I would see him in the future and could just get on with life, but this year seems to have been different for me.  Maybe having the chance to put everything down in writing to make sense of my mind has made me more aware of the things I feel and need.  I blame this for causing part 3b!

After only maybe 5 months, I cracked and sent an e-mail this time.  So, we had gone from 10 years gap to 4 years gap to only 5 months this time.  It was nice for me to have the chance to spring the butterflies on him for a change.  There was no real intent in sending him the message, mostly just the need to tell him that I was thinking about him so much.  I felt it was wrong to be missing him and not to tell him.  Everyone should know if someone is thinking nice thoughts about them.  With almost everyone that i’ve spoken about, I informed him that I had spoken about him here and gave him the opportunity to read what I had written.  Surprisingly, he has embraced my thoughts a lot more enthusiastically than i would have expected.  It’s nice to have the chance to get an opinion on a memory, to confirm that everything I remember is true.  Knowing that the intensity of feelings about any of my memories are matched by the person I’m remembering so fondly is the most amazing thing in the world.

Oddly, this entry has taken me the longest out of any that I’ve ever written.  I think this is because it is such a special thing to me that putting my thoughts into words seems to be impossible.  I think having the chance for him to see exactly what happens in my head has helped him understand just how mutual the whole thing is.  I’m not sure if there was any kid of doubt in his mind before, but at least now he knows everything I truly feel about him.  Knowing that in the past he has made almost all of his decisions based on what he felt was the greater good of my life is something that means a lot to me.    I have no idea where the next part of this story will end up but we’re nowhere near the end yet.  To be honest, I don’t think there ever will be an end and that is a relief.  We’ll just continue to fly by the seat of our pants and go with what feels right at any given time.  It’s all we can do!  Either way, there will be more to this story, at the moment it’s just life.


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