The fear of change

There appear to be 2 different types of personalities: people who embrace change and others who fear it.  I pretty consistently fall into the latter category.  I’m a creature of habit that likes to have things as predictable as physically possible.  Being able to read people helps me with that but there will always be times where my instincts will let me down or someone will be particularly good at covering any sign of what they really think or feel.  There are also the times where things are completely out of your control and whip the rug, that is your life, out from under your feet.

I have had ample warning of change looming before me but the idea of it getting closer seems to have, all of a sudden, given me a little tidal wave of panic/anxiety.  I know everything will be fine, I know that I will land on my feet, I know that things will never be as scary as I gear myself up to believe they will be and I know that I have enough common sense to stop me from doing anything too stupid, but none of that feels any less like a leap of faith.  They say leaps of faith are good for the soul, and doing something scary every day is meant to be cathartic, but it certainly isn’t easy!  My faith in humanity may have taken a little bit of a tumble but avoiding cynicism or any kind of resentment is my prime objective right now.

The life picture that I have for my future is very different from the life I have at the moment, but getting there will be something that will no doubt take me entirely by surprise.  Maybe this has all stemmed from my work situation but it’s my whole life that I’m referring to.  Thankfully contentment is something that I seem to find quite easily, but it does make me wonder whether I sell myself short based on my gratitude for the simple things.  I have become aware that it was probably a reason I stayed with my first husband for so long and why I never saw certain aspects of relationships as available to me.  There is also no doubt in my mind that it’s the reason I find drama queens and ingrates so entirely insufferable.

An article by an anthropologist was brought to my attention yesterday that made a lot of sense.  The generation that you’re born into and the generation your parents belong to are hugely influential in who you grow up to be.  As my parents were always so much older than me, it never occurred to me that it would affect who I would turn out to be compared to my peers.  In the majority, the people of my generation (generation Y) had baby boomers for parents.  They grew up with a generation of parents who knew that the important things in this world are stability, doing the best you can with what you have and making sure  that life was stable for your family.  The problem with this was that the baby boomers happened to grow up in the most economically successful era to date and were able to not only fulfil their potential but exceed it, financially speaking.  This, in turn, led to them expecting the same to continue for their children.  This heightened state of self worth was then passed on to their children, filling their heads that anything is possible and everyone could reach for the stars.  Obviously, this is entirely unrealistic, and the sudden down turn of the economy has made things kind of implode within society.  The important roles are seen as subservient and the level of pay to the most required industries do not reflect their worth where the people with entirely pointless jobs are paid more and more money.  Everyone my age expects to be able to be unbelievably rich, with hugely fulfilling jobs and gold encrusted lives but the reality is that expectations don’t necessarily meet real life‘s plans.

My parents were born one before and one during the war, which means I have been brought up with the same values that the baby boomers were brought up with.  Overall, this has left me a lot more satisfied with my life but may show me as being less ambitious than my peers.  It also explains why having my stability ripped out from under me is so entirely destroying my core.  I do wish that I had been brought up with more emphasis being placed on having to work hard through school, not that they were blasé about my education in any way because they weren’t, I think maybe I was just trusted at too young an age to fully comprehend the consequences of my choices through school.  Maybe it was down to my lack of self-worth that I settled or didn’t put enough importance on the things that were at my disposal but at least I got that self-worth at some point.  Better late than never, so they say.

So now I find myself with the thoughts that I think most older teenagers have about what journey I am going to take now.  I know what I want to achieve but have no idea how I am going to get there.  Maybe I have no option but to fly by the seat of my pants for a while, to see where it’s going to take me, and maybe listening to the universe (in as least a hippie way possible) is what I need to do to know what will be the best route for my life to take.  In the mean time I will surround myself, as much as possible, with the things and people that enrich my world and take some time to work out what I truly want.  I fell into this job, which became my world, maybe it’s time for a new world to find me.  I trust that it will, it always has in the past.


2 thoughts on “The fear of change

  1. I’m facing the same situation as you are. After almost 2 decades of working full time, I’ll be ending that cycle and beginning a new. I plan to give myself a few weeks off simply being ‘domestic goddess’ and then I need to find me a permanent part-time job. Fingers crossed, I will!
    What will the future look like for me now? Who knows? The same for you!

    • There is always something comforting about knowing someone else is facing the same upcoming battle. It’s a time where you feel very alone, even when surrounded by people, so to know someone else has the same worries is a relief. I wish you the absolute best of luck and look forward to hearing about the next stage of your journey too.

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