Treading water

Life, at the moment, is just a gigantor pool of water that threatens to create a wave which could drown me in one swift motion.  I have proven to be a strong swimmer, have a decent level of patience, have enough stamina to just keep going and enough sense to keep my head up.  This is all very delicate and any one of those things could be destroyed in a second.  There have been a multitude of ripples and motion in that water (without any of it being in the fun way!), but all it would take is a wave strong enough to drag me down completely.  I am not in any kind of delusion that my worries are any greater than the multitude of people out there dealing with their own trials and tribulations, but in my world it’s enough to make me question just how much more I can cope with.  Annoyingly, money would solve pretty much all of my stresses but coming into a chunk of that is just something that’s almost never going to occur.

People can be cruel and heartless beings and almost always target the ones who only wish to emit positivity or have a sound  moral base.  Being an empath can be horrifically draining and leaves you in a situation where you will always put yourself last, just in case someone else deserves what you can give them before you.  It often makes me wonder whether poisonous people actually realise just how negative they are?  I try my hardest not to negatively impact on anyone’s life and purely ask for respect where it’s deserved.  I never expect respect to come from nowhere, or to expect it to be given when there is none sent in the first place, but to openly try to degrade someone’s life is just an alien idea to me.  The idea, in itself, is prevalent in society and nobody bats an eyelid.  When did everyone become so selfish?

My hope is that, by the end of the year, my life will have settled into a slightly more predictable place and the chance to plan will be reinstated.  For someone who desperately needs stability, the inability to plan is the greatest torture imaginable.  Fight or flight is purely instinctive and for logic to eternally remain prevalent in my mind creates an internal battle like no other.    I know there is no fight left in me, and remaining the bigger person is at risk by continuing to fight back from constant attack which only leaves flight.  The idea of dropping everything and running away to my happy place is exactly what I need right now but the ability to do that just isn’t there.

One thing I’ve come to realise is that the strength to just carry on comes from somewhere unknown.  Motivation can be non existent, the knowledge that you would be happier giving into your instincts will always be there, people will always continue to kick you when you’re down and yet something subconscious will always spring into action to help you to just get on with it.  I am grateful for this subconscious little gem because life would be unmanageable without it.

I am hoping that the next 8 weeks go quickly because I am ready to move on from this place.  Realistically I have been ready to move on from this place for the last few months, but it’s now at the stage where just being here is torture in itself.  If I had the money, I would jack it all in tomorrow and stuff the contractual nonsense but that just doesn’t seem possible for me right now.

Where this all may seem completely negative, it’s just a tool for me to explore where my mind is sitting at the moment.  I am sure there isn’t as much negativity in my conscious everyday life compared to the subconscious one but the only way I seem to be able to tap into my subconscious life is to just start writing and see where it takes me.

There is a major positive in my world at the moment and he reminds me often how much I have to be grateful for.  The fact that we have not been in each other’s lives, in the full capacity that we probably should have been, doesn’t even seem to impact on my gratitude for me having been led to him in the past.  Even with all of that there is an element of treading water for both of us connected to it.  We know that the future will be very different from the lives that we lead at the moment but neither of us have the slightest clue how we are going to get there.  It’s a goal and something to look forward to, but could only exist when all of the correct alignments fall into place.  It will always be frustrating but a true comfort to know that the future is out there.  Until that point, I’ll enjoy the butterflies, enjoy the snatched time when it happens, the flirting, the frustration and the warm feelings.

I’m very lucky that I can always find things to be grateful for and have never once taken for granted the people who enrich my life; I seem to be surrounded by them.  I just wish that focusing on the good things was so much easier than the ease that seems to be connected to the negative things that plague you.  At least if i’m treading water then I’ve not drowned yet.

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