Writing, normally is the thing that I use to cleanse my soul but for the last chunk of time I have found it impossible to actually put any of my thoughts into words. I’m not sure if it was the case that I needed to switch the world off to just keep going, the whole thing was just too upsetting to think about or if I trusted my subconscious to deal with it and didn’t want to mess with the flow by bringing it into my consciousness. Maybe it was a bit of all of those things, if I’m honest with myself.
I have been guilty of switching the world off during almost every difficult time of my life and this time seems to have been no different. I knew this was looming and leaving my amazing job has eventually caught up with me. The thing that has surprised me the most is the fact that I’ve not actually missed being there! Given, there are people that I have missed from there and the feelings that I got from being able to make a living from being maternal but the job that I loved so much hasn’t actually plagued me to have left. I hope it’s because I gave myself so much opportunity to grieve during the separation process and that it’s not going to, all of a sudden, catch up with me and I end up with a low spell.
The funny thing I’ve found is that I’ve no idea how I actually used to find time to work at all! I have so much to do in the house that chipping away at it all has seemed like a full time job. Add to the fact that I have wonderful friends who have wanted to use the opportunity to spend time with me while they can that there still feels like there’s not enough hours in the day. The downside to that is having time available, wanting to see people and their lives stop me being able to do that. I still watch a lot of youtube stuff with people’s florida holiday videos thrown in which seems to be keeping me motivated to get things done. The more I get finished in the house, the better chance I have of feeling ready to find work and earn money for a holiday of our own. Thankfully, due to the timing, I have the opportunity to be able to live off only one wage coming in. It’s hand to mouth, but I’ve lived that way for pretty much my entire adult life anyway. If this had happened 3 months ago, I would have been absolutely royally screwed but debts have paid off at exactly the right time for the struggle to just feel the same. The beauty is that, even though things are tight, I don’t need to feel permanently stressed about everything else going on in my life.
Oddly, as the timing usually goes with me, people have been crawling out of the woodwork to say hi but I’m finding it refreshing that my life is pretty much the same without it turning into any kind of pit of turmoil. I know where I want my life to go and there seems to be nothing that comes along which would be able to change that.
Maybe once I get this post out of the way I’ll be able to work through the other stuff in my mind and prattle on about the random nonsense that I normally do. I flip somewhere between dealing with the present and thinking about the future. There is more than enough to talk about regarding my future but, for now, I am just happy that the present seems a lot less complicated than I expected it to be right now. Taking each day as it comes and appreciating what I have got is the most important thing for me and it’s been a delight to have the chance to do.