I was asked, today, if anything ever makes me sad. it wasn’t a philosophical question, more a kind of ‘are you always this upbeat?’ question. Only after it had been asked did I realise just how many people have asked me that same question. Even my answer seemed kind of twee, in retrospect, because the main thing I focused on that makes me sad is disney films. I avoid things that make me sad but it’s mostly because I really don’t like feeling that way! Do people ever actually enjoy feeling sad?
Strangely, I suddenly have the need to discuss where the question came from and why it bothered me as much as it obviously has! Mr B has sprung back up, out of nowhere, and has been opening up about things that he’s never been near talking about before. I told him, from the start of him talking to me this time round, that I had no intention of dealing with any kind of game or nonsense with him. It seems that it has helped him actually be himself again and helped me remember why I was so affected by him last year.
I was originally going to be going into detail of the interactions that I’ve had with Mr B but that would detract from the point I am trying to make from this entry. There are a few things that I really need to blog out and they all deserve an entry of their own so I need to make sure I stay to topic.
Why are people always so sceptical when people aren’t filled with doom and gloom? Why does that make us the weird ones? Surely it’s less healthy to always live under a perpetual grey cloud. It’s almost like people are continually looking for the catch or the ulterior motive and I don’t think I find that particularly fair. Where I may be aware that the majority of people in the world do seem to be fascinated by the negative, why would that then make it automatically deemed healthy? I expect people to hurt me but will remain open minded until they do. I can deal with loss, I can deal with hurt and I can deal with negativity because I have the insight to look beyond the poison. That is possibly seen as conceited and, very probably, narcissistic but if I don’t let in the opportunity for things to hurt me then I also shut out any possibility of the good stuff.
Maybe not having mood swings means that i’m abnormal. My mood can change if my blood sugar crashes or I’m in severe pain, but other than that, I am pretty much on an even keel. Who knows, I might just be lucky, or it might just be that I’m more aware of how my moods/actions affect others. Either way, I’d like to think that it’s the positive people in the world who give sparks of hope to the negative. According to mr. B my world is little bunny rabbits lolloping over fields, rainbow unicorns, lollipops and candy floss clouds. Apparently there are moments where he has visions of me having homicidal tendencies but i quickly snap back into sickly sweet before it can take hold! I’m not entirely sure his impression is accurate but I like that he thinks that my world is a happy place to be. I just worry in case sickly sweet is tiring. It just goes to show that hiding the dark parts of my mind has got to the point that they only ever pop out when my guard is down too far And to the point that I don’t even know what they are any more. I know I have dark times, I know I have sad times and I know I have angry times but the fact that they pass quite quickly is a relief to me. Almost like waiting for the habit to break and the band aid to be ready to be ripped off.
Either way, I think I’d much rather be seen as annoyingly happy than a martyr or attention seeking drama queen. If that means that people have a false impression of me then at least the impression makes me look like a good person.