My Sandman

I don’t know why, but I’ve put off writing about this until now.  It’s not something that I am ashamed of in any way, or something that I feel the need to hide, but it’s something that I’ve found particularly difficult to put into words.  The more complex the feelings and emotions that you have for someone, the more complex it is to put into any kind of written word.

Our background is documented in a very detailed manner and all that was written in the past is still entirely accurate.  We have just had the added advantage of being able to spend time together since then.  I think a lot of the reason I struggle to put this into words is the fact that it makes it all look like some kind of elaborate “booty call” for both of us;  The reality couldn’t be further from the truth.

There was a long time that I wondered what it would be like to be in each others company and knew that the second I laid eyes on him then I’d know whether things were still real or not.  The idea of being in his company didn’t scare me at all but actually seeing him for the first time did.  We had been banding the idea of us meeting up around for weeks but had only really seriously contemplated something innocuous like a quick lunch or coffee.  It was only when it came into conversation that we could probably manage to sneak an hour or two together that any other kind of time spending options became a possibility.

The thing about having a history with someone (especially in an intimate and naked capacity!), means that any time you spend together, no matter how long the break of time is, would feel wrong or strained if that freedom was no longer there.  Add to that the fact that conversations had taken place confirming that the feelings and emotions that once were shared, were still very much alive, makes the only option left for spending time together again  one that would have to be in an entirely private environment.  Because of this, I think it became easier for him to leave any kind of venue arrangement down to me, so that he wouldn’t have to carry the burden of guilt any more than he would naturally have been likely to torture himself with.  This is something that I am grateful for as guilt is something that only ever plagues me under specific circumstances.  Oddly I would feel more guilty about him carrying the guilt of deciding on privacy than me going through the logical argument with myself until the only option left is a room where we would be uninterrupted for the short time that we had to spend together.

so, as I’m sure is easily concluded, I found a place to be alone and close to where we were both to be located.  I have no idea what people did before budget hotels existed!  Neither, for that matter, am I entirely sure just how many people do exactly what we did at their establishments!  I’m pretty sure, however, that the number is way higher than anyone would even want to think about.

To avoid the huge level of awkwardness from checking in, I did that alone to wait until I was able to pick him up.  I relaxed as much as possible, got comfortable with the environment and patiently waited for that text to arrive.  Of course, the second it did the adrenaline went mad and my spine went cold.  Not a completely panicked kind of chill or a feeling of foreboding but just the general surge of adrenaline that happens when you know something happening in your life is huge.  I parked up and, although there were a whole bunch of cars and a whole load of people, I still saw him immediately and his face changed instantly when I was sure he saw me.  He got in the car and it immediately felt like he had done that a million times before, even though I had never been the driver in his presence before.  just being in his company almost immediately put me at ease, which surprised me more than anything.

Arriving at the hotel was probably the only slightly awkward part because it was the only real time that we weren’t completely alone.  You don’t fully understand how much a ride in a lift can be a pit of tension until you’re in that mechanical box with someone you just want to grab and kiss But don’t have nearly long enough to do it.  That level of awkwardness remained for maybe the first 2 minutes until we’d got the kiss out of the way!  After that then it was just how things have always been meant to be.  The passion was there, the chemistry was as strong as ever, the physical connection was possibly stronger than I’d even remembered it to be and I just felt an overall feeling of relief and home by just lying fiddling with his chest.  Things that I had done both 4 and 14 years previously just seemed to be subconscious actions that were there after all of that time.

Time was short but worthwhile and dropping him off wasn’t even difficult.  The relief of everything being how my head and heart had told me it would be was enough to make me appreciate every second.  I knew it wasn’t the last time I would see him and it was that which kept the separation all the less difficult.  The funny thing is that, just like had happened 14 years previously, all I wanted to do was talk to him online.  As if talking to him online would help me make sense of what had just happened and to analyse it together just to make sure he felt as good as I did.  I kinda knew that he did but craved seeing the words for myself.  Utterly pathetic and entirely unnecessary but just what I craved at the time.

When we did eventually talk about it, things were the same for both of us.  Neither of us felt bad having to go, neither of us carried any guilt and neither of us would have changed how things had gone.  From then on it became obvious that us spending more time together in the future was both necessary and inevitable.  It’s still kind of weird that we both look older when it doesn’t really feel like that much time has passed but we both obviously look like grown ups now and I think that’ll always be slightly strange.  I do, however, like looking at him and seeing all of the little things that have changed about him over the years.  The only benefit to us having not been together through all of that time is getting the chance to do a comparison.  If we had been together the whole time then things would have just blended and been taken for granted rather than having significant memories to let me compare.  I like older him, I like the fact that I am as attracted (if not more!) to him than I was when we were younger and I like that things have never faded, fizzled or died between us.  If anything, time and our experiences have made things stronger than I’d thought possible.

There has been one other opportunity for us to spend time together since then and was an absolute treat of giving us a few hours together to just be us.  This time there was no awkwardness at all, no nerves, no discomfort, just a very comfortable version of us that had never truly had the chance to exist before.  Things were both entirely the same as they had always been and completely different than they had ever been.  For the first time in my life I found that I had to pull away from kissing him because I couldn’t breathe.  My heart had gone crazy and I just couldn’t take it. So incredibly cheesy sounding, and something I wouldn’t have believed possible if it hadn’t actually happened first hand!

Dropping him off this time was different than the last time because there was a sureness between us that had never truly existed before.  Having an instinct about someone is one thing, but truly knowing for sure just how loved you can be and knowing they can see just how loved they are is a very different feeling.  I know all of this mush is ok in the written form and, although there is an element of this openness in real life, it is good to be able to be as honest as I am here.  I still think, however, that there is a little part of him that would cringe inside if I spoke as openly to his face.  I don’t mind that, in fact, I quite like it like this.  We have honesty, to a degree that most people never really get to experience, but with the added bonus of not having to do it face to face.  A full-time version of us would still, at times, require written communication to keep us healthy.  If we’re annoyed we express it better here, if we’re upset we express it better here, if we’re needing something that’s difficult to bring up then we express it better here and I think it would always be that way.  Maybe that’s what the majority of people lack in their relationships.

Whatever happens, I know we both want “us” to be.  Getting there is still very much an unknown and shrouded by mystery but we both know it would take something hugely uncomfortable to get there.  Neither of us are brave, we never have been, because if we were then things would have been very different for us and our lives to date.  They say that everything happens for a reason and I like to think that everything in my life has geared me towards feeling grateful for the things I’ve taken the time to want.  My Sandman is the thing that I think I have subconsciously wanted for longer than I truly realised And, if that’s never changed in 14 years, it’s not likely to change in the future.  At the moment, like It has always been, this story is far from over…………….

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