I’m asking for a friend. No really, it is a friend that this whole post is in relation to. I long since accepted that my dream of babies was never going to happen and I have always been oddly comfortable with that. It’s strange that even the strongest ambition you can have from the youngest of ages can be unobtainable, but still able to be comfortably accepted. There are rare occasions that, during conversations, my emotions can be sparked to the point of tears but I am grateful that it’s never a feeling that lingers. I am comfortable with longing for hopes and dreams and will never fully close a door to anything. There will always be a chance that the miracle of all miracles could be round the corner, but I’m never going to set my hopes on it; voluntary failure is not something I’m a fan of.
So, this friend (our Panda). In the past few years my journey has been tumultuous, to say the least. In most ways it wasn’t really my journey but more the journey of the person that I ended up feeling the desire to merge with mine. The rollercoaster of medical failures, diagnoses, symptoms, finances and external mind fucks have led us to a place in our lives where the future is something we know we need to work towards for inner happiness. It has been made abundantly clear to us by the government that we are not one of the ones they deem worthy of financial assistance, regardless of the inability to work due to levels of pain/unpredictability. I could go into a tirade on the failings of the current government’s disability assistance but I am more than sure that there are millions of those already in existence. I digress.
In the past 2 years, the only medical glimmer of light that we had was our little lion. He came into our lives unexpectedly from an encounter between Panda and her first true love. They had been apart for around 18 months after a breakdown on his side but had reconnected briefly before he took the decision to end his life. He never knew that his Little Lion had been created and things were probably easier all round that he never had the chance to know. We didn’t know for the first 11 weeks either, no matter how many pregnancy tests the medics had insisted she take based on symptoms. There were medical procedures undertaken that he never should have survived but did. He was the miracle to end all miracles. I could talk about him for hours but the long and short of it is that his life was brought to an end by a routine complication that so many pregnancies end in. There were additional complications based on the misdiagnoses previously received leaving us (and them) with no comprehension of the treatment required.
Now that we understand everything involved with the conditions, and how little bearing it would have on growing/sustaining life, it is abundantly clear how much having a focus to love, care for and nurture would bring to this family. We are luckier than most to have the level of love that we have in our daily life and it would be wrong not to be able to stretch that to the future generation.
After 5 pregnancies that all ended tragically for a multitude of reasons, the idea of creating life in a relationship environment is far too emotionally torturous for our Panda but creating life is still paramount. When things had ended in disaster with our Little Lion, the first thing that the nurses said was to not let this stop her trying in the future. That future is now. Although we have a man in our midst, attempting to create life with him could be emotionally torturous for all involved. It would be fundamental proof that I am the issue and not both of us, which could cause inadvertent blame or resentment neither of us would want. Getting safe sperm is far trickier than it would seem. We can’t afford private insemination, can’t risk dodgy one night stands with people we don’t know and would like to create the life ourselves. She and I want to create the life ourselves, just utilising the additional elements that we can’t produce.
You would think for the amount that is cast away on a daily basis that finding some to create the life it is designed for would be easier than it is. We have looked on the websites that match you with donors and one of them is someone I have spoken to in the past and trust, but how do you start that conversation? How much history do you go into? Is it feasable to not want them to have contact? I would always happily discuss in the future that the seed came from a kind gentleman but we wanted to be a family ourselves. Are we better to try it while we are abroad therefore cutting down the possibility of the donor wanting to be involved? Whole areas of complication that people never have to think of on a daily basis but our lives always go in the way of the complicated
For now, the next stage of the journey is looming with no definitive direction to travel.