I often wonder how so many people in this world manage to live under the, usually slightly misguided, belief that they don’t need love in their lives. Now I know that my heart seems to be a hell of a lot bigger and more open than your average person’s but, even with that understanding, thinking that you don’t need love can surely only ever lead to you feeling sad or bitter or completely disjointed from reality. Even people with the strongest walls or thickest skin tend to eventually let me see their softer side and I’m not entirely sure how I manage it. I’m lucky in that respect. I know there has to be a certain amount of manipulation involved to get someone to open up to you but does it still count as manipulation if you’ve no awareness that you’re doing it? I know I’m manipulative, I don’t ever try to hide it or kid myself, but when I don’t even realise that I must be doing it then it really starts to freak me out! Am I truly a person that people want to spend time with or do I manipulate people into liking me? Do they go hand in hand? Are they one in the same?
There are a few very important people in my life, all of whom i know for very different reasons, all of whom I love dearly but in very different ways. I have the person I will always call my best friend, the person who is somewhere between my little sister and best friend, the person who i work with that makes me feel complete love, nourishment and calm, the person i’m married to, the 2 amazing beings that I watched grow and flourish in this world, my Dad and my Mr B: the person who has changed my world in a stronger way than i knew possible. Some people have lots of friends in this world, some have very few, some only have acquaintances and others only have workmates. I’m lucky enough to have a core of people that I love and love me so much that it makes my heart swell on a daily basis. I don’t need to see most of these people all of the time but know that if something happened or one of us needed the other then everything would be dropped and we’d go running to their side.
My banana is a different person than anyone else I have ever known. I like that. People usually fall into very specific categories in my life and, where there are similarities with Mr B that would make parts of him fall into almost all of those categories, it’s the best thing ever that I can’t put him into a little box. This is probably because he’s opening himself up to me more and more as time goes on but also could be that the person he is with me is a person he’s not completely familiar with himself. I know that the person I am with him is a new me. There are the good elements of me that are being brought back but also these new, more confident, parts of me that have never existed before. I’m not sure how much of it is the change of circumstance within my life or how much of it is purely down to him. I’m happier, bubblier, calmer, more confident and feel good about myself in every way. This seems to drain away a little at a time, the longer I go between getting to speak with him. It’s like when my Banana batteries are fully charged I’m like the energiser bunny but through time the power in those batteries starts to fade. When I’m fully charged I feel like I could even easily initiate sex (with him, I hasten to add!) – a circumstance I have never, in my entire life, felt comfortable with but really enjoy that a little ember of a burning fire is there.
I’ve always had a high sex drive and have never yet found anyone who matched it, so just kinda ended up with a belief that I should be grateful for the opportunity when it arises but to never initiate because it would make me appear demanding. I’m not dominant in the bedroom at all, in fact quite the opposite, but I’ve always been a willing participant with an open mind and very few boundaries. Unfortunately, this has previously left me open to abuse or neglect and something that my confidence has taken a hit on numerous times during my relationships. You would think that the majority of boys would enjoy a partner with a high drive and a willing attitude but it would seem it’s a common misconception to believe this is the case. Sex, especially in the capacity of mutual enjoyment, just seems to become too much effort. Unless I’m getting back as much as I’m giving, I find it too difficult to maintain my enthusiasm as i end up feeling like an outlet rather than the actual person they want to fuck/have sex/make love with. Trust is something that I don’t give lightly and even less so in the bedroom but was something I didn’t really realise until very recently. I find myself handing over this huge amount of vulnerability and trust to a man who I’ve never even been able to touch. That idea, in itself, is just insane but one that I just can’t seem to stop myself doing. It’s a gift, a real gift, and one that I really hope is cherished and enjoyed instead of it feeling like any kind of pressure. Having to wait to be able to express all of these physical desires in person is just torture. I’m an impatient person by nature but having such a huge prize to look forward to without a definite time to countdown to is just horrific.
No matter how much easier it would be if wanting to meet Mr B was a purely sexual thing, the fact that he seems to be the whole package makes it so much more of a necessity to have him in my life. We never realise that we have a secret little checklist in our minds of boxes that required to be ticked when evaluating a person until someone actually starts ticking those boxes. There’s a few that are shallow, a few that are pretty serious, a few that are properly hardcore and a whole load that are utterly ridiculous! The one catch is that so many boxes have now been ticked that my entire world may change. Add to that the fact that as every day goes on the want for my life to change grows continually, which makes the change more than likely. I just wish there was a way of finding out if my instincts are right about this boy or if there’s just something that neither of us are seeing. Until we get to find for sure, I’ll just impatiently wait for my boy to come home and miss him constantly.
katariah 